Saturday, December 18, 2010

one week to go

So it is finally one week until Christmas. Now these past few months have proved quite troublesome so it is refreshing to have such a cheery, happy, wonderful time around. Well, without the snow, carols, eggnog and general lack for the full out Christmas spirit that I like to think most Americans have. It's still nice to be able to share this experience with my family, well most, ok a few members. But as I said these past few months have been difficult not only because of my exams that basically determine my future and whether or not I will be a total failure to my family, but also the realization that i not only cannot keep things for an extended period of time, but also the fact that i now repel technology. It's not that i don't understand technology at all, it's the fact that they run away screaming from me in terror and despair. They truly dislike me to the extent of absolute isolation and turmoil. I have "lost" in this past year alone; the following: A 160GB iPod, a curling iron, my skull candy headphones, two cameras, two cell phones and a playstation 2. That is how badly anything with any form of electricity or circuit board runs from me yelling at the top of their lungs "SAVE ME FROM THIS WRETCHED PLACE!". It's astounding that any trust is left within my parental's bodies when they think to continue supplying me with these horrid circumstances which i will be put in by replacing these items. This is the order of the events that put me in this desperate state. The first: My iPod was stolen along with my curling iron at one of my "oh so fantabulous" parties. Secondly was my first camera, that broke just because it was old (despite it only being 2 years old, hmmmm) then my first cell phone was stolen at a really rather dodgy party in a shutdown car retail place in parnell along with my leather jacket. Then we are on to my second camera, which was sat on at a party resulting the screen flickering and dying do black in a fixable state however the repairs would cost more than the camera. Then comes the second cell phone, horribly dropped into the ocean for no more than 2 seconds. The thing that killed it? my general lack of knowledge towards any kind of aide to electronic devices in despair. I did everything wrong. I tried to turn it on, then i shook it trying to shake the water out, and then took a hair dryer to it (the last part was someone's advice, not my own). The horrible thing about the last two, was that me short circuiting my phone happened the day after i bought a new camera to replace the old one. Oh circumstance!!! And then my playstation which can no longer read disks and yells at me loudly and begins to shake in anger. This is what my life has come to. I am 18 and cannot handle any kind of interaction in this modern day and age because as we all know all interaction in todays society is through technology. Granted my social grace is at an all time low as well, from drinking and rather embarrassing situations that follow that i have to hear about from everyone else because i don't remember. It's shocking. My life in just these few months alone has been tremendous and devastating. But as I began with, Christmas is only a week away. My sister arrives from the states on Thursday, some family friends arrive the day after and then from there comes the small traditions and then the grande finale of Christmas day. Now i told you the story of my technologically challenged tendency's because well, some of my gifts that greatly appreciate but also am terrified to own include, the new camera i bought with my Christmas money, the new cell phone i bought with my Christmas money, a new iPod, supplied by the parentals and then maybe something else. I tell you this because terror as i said reigns through my veins as to what sort of situations these advances are going to put me in. I love that i have these items and am so completely grateful don't get me wrong. But still scared. I will also probably make a full and detailed, including links, list of what i receive this day next week mostly because i will be excited and giddy like a little 4 year old child eating cake and receiving a pony. Though as i said it will be this time next week that also means that right now it is Saturday. Not just Saturday, but 10:23 on a Saturday night and i am home, writing this blog. Now that may seem sad to the average teenager and maybe to most of society, but i am the type who doesn't mind to stay in and fall into a good book when it's raining cats and dogs outside and my hair has decided to poof to the size of Arkansas and may even begin to attack people if they come within reaching distance. They will be gone, never to be heard from again because my hair will swallow them whole. Now the good book sounded good until i was distracted by a carton of white chocolate raspberry ice cream and a movie about 8 dogs stuck in sub zero weather fighting for their lives for 175 days. That was gripping. Now i'm watching Oceans 13 which is a horrible sequel of Oceans 11 which was incredible. Now i don't know why i am watching it because it's not decent and it's not even good background watch, it mostly has to do with the fact that the other TV has been commandeered for the past 4 hours straight by the ever so lovely asshole himself. So i'm stuck with 4 tv channels and crappy movies. My Saturday night is getting more and more depressing as we speak.

Saturday, October 30, 2010

exhausted.

I'm exhausted. Not just physically but emotionally, spiritually, which ever way is possible. It's sad getting to this point. The point where i feel like the life is being sucked out of me. Where everything I do is pointless and worthless. Where even sleeping is a mission because even in my dreams it's reflecting reality. I wish were so simple sometimes. To go back to childhood memories and innocence. The times where when it was sunny the last thing you wanted to do was be inside. Where you could play all day with no worries of anything. Where when you fought with your friends you just hug, apologize and it's all sorted out. Now-a-days you don't even know who your friends are because most of them are talking behind your back about either you or another one of their "so called friends". Where you can't get a straight or honest answer out of anyone. Being a kid was so easy and care-free. Now it's all worries and money and jobs and school. It's like everything we took for granted then is everything we want now. The simplicity. The lack of sense in a way. The purity and complete freedom to be who we were. The freedom to not be judged or to judge. To just like a person and be friends with them and not have to worry about rumors or drama or two faced people who can't make up their minds about liking a person. The pure sense of happiness and joy. Just being able to smile constantly and not worry about heartbreak or loss. To just embrace life as it came as it was given. Now it's different. It's worrying about every single thing to the point of obsession. One thing that can bring us back to our innocence and days of naivety is art I suppose. Music, drawing, acting anything. Being something we're not, showing who we are or expressing ourselves without having to say a word. Through art one can come alive int themselves again. Not be exhausted with life. With worries and woes. Just be us. For the short time that we have it we can embrace ourselves. The one thing that lets us live.

Monday, October 18, 2010

5:59

School today. Had last period study mum didn't answer her phone. Made me paranoid. She always says, "One day i might drop of a heart attack and no one will even know until several hours later when you get back in from school", so after calling her cell phone 6 times and the house phone twice and I actually got a little worried. Her words rolled around in my head. Turns out she was walking the dog and hasn't checked her phone all day. Good thing she has one if she doesn't check it. Came home. Sick of New Zealand. Sick of the people and their stories and their pathetic natures. Listened to music. Joshua Radin and Sara Bareilles on repeat. Sad songs. Tears fluttered down my cheeks. Looked at the scrap books my friends made me before I left. Mum came to talk to me about dinner. Wasn't listening. Something about lamb chops today. Or tomorrow. Thought of him again. Don't know why. He just pops up sometimes. Without warning his barb wire wraps around my heart. Oh well. Shrug it off. 6:04. I can hear mum in the kitchen talking to the dog. So much for man's best friend. Don't know if dad is home tonight. Hope not. More lectures on studying. Haven't done any. Makes me cry even more to think about if I don't get into Otago or pass my exams. Not enough incentive to make me study. Strange. Smell of food wafts into the kitchen. Maybe it was just my imagination. I feel hollow here. Still. May change. May not. I suppose it's the price we pay right? Well, 6:08. Bored. Running out of things to say. May leave it on a positive note. A positive website even. I Heart this website. 6:10.

Saturday, October 16, 2010

Forever young

So it was sunny today. The warmth of it hit against my back and i could feel the sweat collecting above my upper lip. The rays shone through the clouds in lines of bright auras. Felt like a happy day. Followed by happy things. Met expectations if not exceeded them. Sad how those things hit you. Highly influenced by the devil throughout the day. The risk, the scare, all of it pushed ahead. Seemed so good. Was so good. New and fresh. Combined with old and familiar. Rush of future predicaments. Push form old troubles. Realizing the small things in life and how everything we obsess about now won't matter in a few years. The touch, the feel. The things we feel inside of us are what we remember. The ones that touch us deeply and make us smile so innocently and make us blush. The ones that we want to talk to the world about. The ones that make us giddy and the ones that make us sad. The ones that tickle our fancy and the ones that make us so mad. But even in our hours of desperation we still remember those innocent times in the sun. With the heat and the rush. The devil on our backs and angels in our eyes. The moments in life that make everything okay. Those are the moments that are coming to us. The ones we want to remember forever. Perhaps forever it shall be,but a forever we won't recognize until we're old and gray. The forever of being young and reckless. Of being silly and true to ourselves. Of realizing who matters and who doesn't. The moments we want to remember and the ones we create are what will keep us young. Not our age but the heat we feel from both the world and the people we're with. Those are our moments. Those are our memories.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Finished exams!

So i finished exams!!! granted my enthusiasm is highly over done considering they're only mocks. but that feeling of being done and the relief is brilliant, apart of course from my swollen hand that still aches while i'm typing because apparently that happens after being in two exams for a set of 6 hours and writing on 8 pages for one and like 12 for the other. Buuut it's still a nice feeling. Sitting on my bed writing this its so comfortable. last time i was here on my computer i was cramming for biology whilst also not studying at all and simple downloading shit loads of music illegally (sorry to any of you government people if you're reading this). I love the comfyness of my bed. It's like sinking into a really big pillow at night that just kinda eats you whole and sucks you into whatever dream you're expected to have that night. Giving you that little head start as your head hits the pillow. The spinning thing that people talk about getting, i don't. I shake. like side to side i feel like my head is actually moving and kinda wobbling. I'm a wobbler i guess, not a spinner, though you gotta admit wobbling is a lot of fun haha. the wobbling kinda leads into that other world. the one we rarely talk about cuz its entirely ours. its cool :). But yeah so i haven't been on here in a while, my apologies. I've lost my inspiration lately. Not sure why. Just kinda happened. Oh well. It will get better (my little constant reminder) So as most of my year now know thanks to certain people :) I had an interesting saturday night. Fiew things happened over a bottle of wine, some beer and god knows what else. But it was fun. The first time in a while i hadn't really cared. I was free fallin (sorry listening to Jack Johnson). It was nice and fun and just letting go of the world.
I'm getting new curtains. painting my room. Redoing things in my life. Don't know why now since i wont be here for long (hopefully). But I am.
Starting a new book. Got bored of my old one. Reading "Brief interviews with Hideous men" by David Foster Wallace. Should be good. Need something new.
Been going acoustic lately. Not sure why. I'm over the metal and all that, just going back to the basics of the small tune and the big words. Well I think this is it. Sorry for spelling mistakes etc. Its the little things. :)

Monday, July 5, 2010

conflict of interests

Choose one.
Mind splurts it out, indecisive is my only vice.
Pick one.
Can't choose, too difficult.
Decide.
Conflict of interests.
Tear.
Split in two, going one way, going another.
Tied.
Tied down like a prisoner in an electric chair.
Imminent.
Result of my decision is clear, for either way.
Do it.
No choice has been made. . . but a choice should be made.
Indecisive.
My indecisiveness is annoying, pestering me constantly.
Choosing.
selecting one over another, for another, with another.
Can't choose.
Can't even do it without that. Without them. No choice.

Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Belief.

Scientists say that if your mind believes something strongly enough, that your body begins to believe that that is actually happening. If you were to believe so strongly that your arm was on fire, then your mind would tell your body, and your body could actually feel pain in your arm and your arm could go red as if it were burning. When we doubt ourselves and say, "Oh no I'm going to drop this plate" then we are more likely to drop the plate than if we were to think that we weren't. Coaches tell their players, "Imagine yourself making the touchdown" or "Making the basket", so that the players make the shot because they believe in themselves so strongly. However, why can we not put this kind of belief into ourselves and into our everyday thinking's? Why do we not believe in ourselves so strongly that we can make anything happen? I once was told that I can do anything i want to, anything at all if I tried hard enough. I believed this for the longest time, however, up until recently, that saying has begun to fade. I don't believe as strongly in myself, I don't believe as strongly in what I do. But I have no reason not to. As we get older and we face new challenges such as, "What college" and "What am I going to do with my life?" we begin to doubt ourselves and our capabilities so much, that we fear our future and we fear our lives beyond the exact moment that we are living in. We want things to just work out, and we want things to go as if everything is going to be OK because that is what we have been taught, but when faced with our own choices and our own fears about the future that no one but ourselves can sort out, we loose that confidence and that belief. But why can we not believe in ourselves and in our own burning passion for the future and its mysteries, as our mind would do about a fictional burn? Why can we not believe in our talents, as strongly as others believe in us?

Monday, June 21, 2010

salvation

Look through the window to see the sky.
Blinding lights, blinding eyes, blinding mind.
I reach out. Air swifts through my fingers with nothing at the end.
Heart pounds. Speeds. Races. Leaps from my chest.
Heartless, Cold, Unfeeling.
Smoke fills the room and stings my eyes.
Hazy, blurry, blinding.
Up and down, up and down, up and down.
The movement numbs my breaths.
Congested behind my eyes. Pressure building but no release.
Shot one.
Heart races.
Shot two.
World is silent in anticipation.
Shot three.
Words build in my chest and flow from my lips.
Silence.
Feathers in my stomach tingle around.
Drums in my chest leave me restless.
Cars speed through my mind with raceways never ending.
Peace is imminent.
Imminence is dead.

Saturday, June 12, 2010

goldfish, the simple creature.

What if we lived our lives like a pet fish? Cornered in glass all day, with the same 4 walls. Hitting the glass when we forget where we are and weaving through the same plastic plants and the little pirate chest of gold. I wonder what they think when they look at us. Their big eyes bulging from their heads as they swim around and scrutinize us. Go up for air, go back down. Small air bubbles escape their mouths and the blup blup sound pops against the surface. Do you think they know what they look like? That they know their body parts, they know that that flowy thing that catches their eye when they turn around and then disappear is actually their tail? I like to wonder how the rest of the world sees us, rich beyond compare. We have so much, give so little, it’s quite incredible that people as a species hasn’t killed off its own population out of greed. Oh wait! We do do that.
People in countries that have so little, actually have so much. They have the knowledge to appreciate every little thing, to appreciate family and clothing, to appreciate schooling and fresh water. We curse school, we drink soft drinks instead, we hate our parents and we always want more clothes or material things. If you put us, in our own little four walled glass box, and told us to look out on the world and not participate but just observe. What would we see?

Power of power

“When the power of love overcomes the love of power, the world will know peace” – Jimi Hendrix. Today in society we are power driven, financially driven and more or less focused on what’s in our bank account than the words coming out of our mouths. We draw our conversations from the news, the stock market and the economy. Without these things our communication skills are limited and short, leaving us to “how was your day?” and “What’d you have for lunch?”. People are becoming less dependent on social skills and more dependent on money and social standing. People are monopolizing themselves. They are making themselves the most important thing above everything else, and that they almost charge us for talking to them or being friends with them. The infinite quote “time is money” has become the international symbol for socialization. Creativity and imagination is an abomination in the real world. You can’t really make a living off of that unless you are incredibly talented and even still mostly in cinematography such as James Cameron or Quentin Tarrantino. Being oneself is a downgrade from what we could be. Ourselves is no longer good enough for society or for today’s expectations. Just look at the job market. People who may not have experience in a certain field will not get a job because they are not good enough. Their personality and approachability doesn’t matter anymore. It’s how good you look on paper. We love money, we love social hierarchy and above all we love power. We love the things that cost us. Cost us happiness, creativity, originality we love the things that take away from who we are and what we think we should be. We are forced to cocoon ourselves until we are what society has made us; Money making, power driven machines that strive to be the best without considering their happiness or the happiness of others. Since when does happiness have a price tag in the form of a new TV or the latest cell phone? Since when has personal entertainment and creativity not been enough? Since when has being ourselves, not been enough?

Monday, May 17, 2010

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

life.

blinded. lite a cigarette and inhale the poison.
silent. stalk the world around me searching for reason.
cautious. the lime light from my laptop makes a hole in the darkness.
crowded. rooms tight, starts to choke.
closed. uneventful life, markings of past fates.
closed eyes breach through for light.
twisted words seep through.
hands move, grope.
lips word, kiss.
body shakes, immortality.
shadows move across the wall following my footsteps.
shuffle on the carpet and fabric rips.
echos in the house from the suburban life.
the lie and the picture.
everything we know and everything we hope we didn't.

Friday, March 26, 2010

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

For granted

we take so many things for granted today. yesterday. tomorrow. we miss oppurtunities, we lie, we cheat, we break hearts. we change and adapt, we follow and we lead. we breathe in and out. we go up and down. we blink, we fidget, we walk we run. all these things are just normal and go without thought. but when everything changes and things that you never thought about, become apparent, we stop. we get lazy and get clumsy. we get restless and stupid. we fall, we get back up. we hope, we dream, we wish. we try. we speak and hold conversations without ever thinking about what it is we're saying. we can love someone and not know why. we can want something but not need it. we think and we move we write and we draw. all the while changing. changing who we are no matter how confident in ourselves we are. we love, we lose. we lose things every day and think that we will get them back. but we take that for granted. the little things. the things we think we wont miss. we lose. we regret. we fear. we won't get them back. we try, but we won't.

Saturday, February 27, 2010

Squeeze

Want to know your religion? Click here
(not spam i promise, why would I put spam in a blog?)
So I leave for camp tomorrow. Got me thinking (about packing) and procrastination cuz i do a lot of that. We pack a lot. Women especially. We pack extra shoes, clothes, bra's, make-up anything that will fit into our already over sized suitcases. I mean one could argue that we pack this much because we want to be prepared for every circumstance that might happen on the trip. But can one say this about how we approach life as well?
We pack things away every day, and i know this maybe better than anyone because i personally pack away a lot of emotions and small details of my life everyday so as to not have to confront them. However, we pack away more than just our feelings in fear of seeming weak and helpless. We pack away secrets from the ones we care about such as affairs (just look at Tiger), purchases, stock fraud (just look at Martha Stewart), but we do this all because we are afraid. In today's society we have so much to be afraid of from terrorists, to being raped, so murdered or robbed all the way to forgetting your house keys inside and being locked out. We fear so much of not being perfect and being invaluable in society that we change what we are and mask the mistakes we make because we can't handle what we really do. We want it all. We want it all, all the time, every day. never settling, never choosing, never being decisive from rugs, to wall paint, to brand of diapers to pizza or Chinese take out. We pack so much into our lives that we can barely fit it all in. Smashing so much into ourselves, until we almost burst at the seems, preparing ourselves for any situation. (women typically do more, men are quite oblivious). But what happens when we can't fit it all in our suitcases, and we can't close the lid? What if we can't prepare ourselves for everything, what is society then?

Thursday, February 25, 2010

Freak out

I want to do this so badly. Just get a group of my mates and break out in dance in the middle of Queen street.

Davey Dance Blog -34- TIMES SQUARE from Pheasant Plucker on Vimeo.

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Music Time!

Fantastic. Absolutely Brilliant. Must watch. Lauren O'Connell



Another good song by Julia Nunes. She is incredible


Saturday, February 6, 2010

Marching "band"

Being a former member of marching band I truly love this video. Not just for that reason but because it is also clever and a good song.

OK Go - This Too Shall Pass from OK Go on Vimeo.

Palindrome

This video is incredible. Please watch because it shows from front to back what we are, and how we can change.

Friday, February 5, 2010

6:53

6:42. went this morning to the SPCA to look at adopting a dog. Mum got emotional and cried. I miss Hershey. Went out. Bought some clothes. Tired. Ate a shake thing. Felt sick. Came home and watched a show about plastic surgery. Gross. Noticed my flaws. Silly. Listened to a lot of Matt Wertz, it changed to Akon. I felt degraded so I changed it. Feel bad for my mum. She's lonely. Her fucked up husband doesn't help. Asshole. Camera's broken. Only got it at Christmas. Feel bad. I miss my friends. I want to go back. I need a job first. Provide me with 3 grand by June. Seems impossible. I need to go home. I need a lonely night. Matt Wertz says it best in this song. No particular reason. Just a quiet night. It's 6:49. Not even dark night. Can hear my neighbors nephews next door. Makes me smile when they laugh. slight breeze shifts the curtain. I imagine a hand doing it. Swaying it softly. Invisible. I smell bacon. Making me hungry. These all end with food. Odd. My main focus in life. The things we need in life : Garlic, cheese, bacon and money. Sad. But good when mixed together (exception money, don't eat that). 6:53. I want bacon. Lots of bacon. I won't end this on a food note though. So go here. And enjoy the humor of media.

Thursday, February 4, 2010

9:15

9:03 had a mass tonight. A commission ceremony for all the graduating year at my school. I don't believe in that stuff. I dreamt in my head. Fingers tapped tapped tapped against the 6 page booklet laying in my lap. Screamo filled my head as it clashed with the chorus singing in front of me. I laughed to myself at the confusion. Came home with pizza. I had salad. Tomato, chicken, bacon and avocado. Good. Had two slices of mums pizza. Better. Came in my room. Talked to someone online. Awkward but good. Surprising. 9:13 now. bored. Not tired enough to sleep. Ran out of Megavideo. Fuck. Attempt number two. It's hot. Sweating. muggy out again. Lights are too hot aswell. No air conditioning. Damn parents. Signing off at 9:15. Enjoy.

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

6:52

it's 6:43. 6:41 on my second clock. Mums making Stir-fry with mushrooms. Odd combo. Turned off already. I'm looking out the window. Birds chirping. Sun is shining. Feels like the middle of the afternoon. Hot air, muggy breaths. Heat fills up my room mocking me by not leaving through the open windows. Talking to my friends on facebook as a distraction. One broke his wrist. Ouch. TV's on in the background. Father's on his ass. Nothing new. Clothes on my floor need to be put away. Procrastinate. Filled out my forms to get a job today, I need the money. Flashback to him. I need the money to go back to Randolph in June. Highlight of going back? Friends, homey, graduation. Him. Crazy, confused, pathetic me. Still after what I can't and will never have. Rustle of peanut bag in the hallway distracts me. Bloody bugs, they'll be the death of me. Scramble to kill it before it suck blood from my body. Uncomfortable now. Feels like there are bugs everywhere. Paranoia. Dads business is going under. After all that we're screwed. Definitely no god. 6:49. Dinner call. Eating in my room tonight. Not feeling too sociable. I again turn to the window and glance out. Another call from the kitchen. Yes. I sit a little longer. Enjoying the sound of my fingers on the keys. The light tapping like a dance solo in my head. The feet repeating the same rhythm in time to the cicadas and birds tunes outside. Uncomfortable feeling in my body. Go drown myself in grease and oil covered vegetables. Hopefully not to many clogged arteries so I can write again. No promises. 6:52. Finally depart.

Sunday, January 31, 2010

Regret.

So I'm getting sick. maybe it's just being here and i am allergic to the country and the current state of my life; perhaps it's simply a bug, but whatever the reason, being sick sucks. It makes you rather mopey and sad and kinda lonely when you're sick, especially when you're single, (current relationship status). You look at things differently when you're sick. You think of things you don't normally do and look back on your life and typically dwell on the negatives. You think of exes and listen to depressing music (at least in my case). Found a new artist who fulfills that quot-um; Matt Wertz. Good music, check him out. But back to dwelling. When you look back on your past, should you focus on what you've lost, and the lessons learned from loss? Or focus on the positives, and the experience gained? At what point do you have to choose between learning and experiencing? We are brought up to learn, programed to learn and do so for the majority of our lives, but when on our own and when looking for ourselves, we tend to experience. We live. We are so focused on doing the right thing and worrying about regret, that we tend to stay in our comfort zone. Don't ask, don't tell policy. Don't do, Don't regret philosophy. But when really pondering our past is it better to have regrets, or to just accept what it is and move on? Or, is it possible to do both? To live like we want to, as the saying goes, "Live with no regret". But with regrets we learn lessons, we again, learn but are we also experiencing from the action or incident in which we learned something from? People tend to not regret not doing things, but regret things about themselves. Regret starting smoking or not talking to girls more, regret being sheltered and not outgoing. Tend to regret personal qualities, more so than personal experiences or actions. Regret not being what they want to be. I have a few regrets from incidents, but again, more characteristics than actions. We are so critical of ourselves, we project our regrets inward at ourselves than at missed opportunities. This continuous inward struggle for perfection and acceptance in society. To be completely protected from regret because with regret comes disappointment and hurt. Always fearful of hurt and not being good enough. However, when has being ourselves (mistakes and all) not been enough?

Sunday, January 24, 2010

Anywhere

An incredible video. If you could wake up anywhere, where would it be?

Fifty People, One Question: London from Fifty People, One Question on Vimeo.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Faith

God. The all wise, the all powerful, the all knowing, God. For hundreds of thousands of years people have discussed and philosophized and argued the sense of god and religion. Stating that without religion or faith, one would cease to exist, one would be soulless. Though for those of us out there who do no believe, let alone practice, this form of religion and belief, we still function. We still exist and am capable of thought and emotion so how can we be soulless? To have faith in something because of a book and because of stories seems rather illogical. To put your mind and your energy into believing that there is something out there that can control us and can determine our fate and our inevitable demise, is simply ludicrous.
Jesus they say, claimed to be the son of God. He would do Gods will and fulfill what needed to be done of him. Then he had to die for our sins. However, if God forgives us for our sins, so we are eternally forgiven, then why the need to kill Jesus? Why would God put all of his trust and all of his will onto one man, when he created us. God supposedly made us all so if he can create he can take away. We have all seen Gods work of taking away, especially recently. The Thousands dead in Haiti, hurricane Katrina, The tsunamis. All of these things, if there is a God, is his work. All of these 'natural wonders' and 'Gods beauty'. But what is so beautiful about thousands of people dying? What is so beautiful and wonderful about lives being destroyed and people left homeless?

After an event such as the earthquake in Haiti, everyone talks about praying for those poor people. Why should we pray? If God had wanted them spared then he would not have created such a 'natural wonder' that could be capable of this. We should pray to a man who takes away lives, only to have us beg for him to spare them? No. We should be helping them physically and financially. Praying for these people is not going to bring back the dead, it is not going to cure the ill or fix the wounded. Only what we are capable of doing ourselves, can bring aide to them.

Many argue that faith is a cornerstone, it is a building block in which to expand upon with your beliefs and experiences as you grow older. But typically when using the word faith they are referring to an aspect of religion. But what about all the faith that people have? Faith in humanity and in ourselves, faith in society and the professions. Faith is not about believing in a book and following it because it tells us to. Faith is about doing and learning for ourselves, giving everyone something to put their faith into.

Saturday, January 16, 2010

Ramble

One week left until school. Got my grades back from my final. As my father puts it. "She did surprisingly well." I love how he can say that in a proud voice. That my grades are surprising. Just because i'm miserable with my life, does not mean I'm not trying to succeed. I want to do well. I really do. It's hard. It's hard with him constantly calling me a failure, saying I won't do anything with my life. It's hard to keep trying when you don't want to. When it doesn't seem worth it. When you're so miserable with your life and so unhappy all the time but you still must get through work. He pushes me to do things i don't want to. To be someone else. He continues to talk to me after he knows i want nothing to do with him. He continues to exist. Cease, please. But enough of my daddy issues. Back to life here.

Haven't left the house in about 2 days ever since my family left. (brother, sister, brothers gf). Don't feel like doing anything or seeing anyone. Just want to leave everything and go off on my own. Explore the world and make sometihng of myself. Help someone. Do something meaningful. That to me is what life is about. Doing something that makes someone else's life better. I want to join the peace corp. one day but that requires 3 years of college and after doing 3 years of college i'll be pushed into doing something else. It's a silly thing to want something. When you want, there' a possibility of being disappointed. Too much disappointment.

I've been living in my leather jacket. My confined, safe, and tough exterior. I'm saving up for June. realized the other day that its about $3,000 to go back to the states. Only saved up about $200 so far. Parents haven't gotten me my social security number yet so i can't get a job. My parents know how badly i need to go back, even for a visit and with my "dads" air points he could get me a free trip. But instead, he wants to give pointless trips to my brother and sister who don't really wanna go anywhere. Lucky me.

The song that fills my head day after day is "Heard the world" by O.A.R. It's inspiring and depressing. Got a lot into The White Mice recently as well. Can't share that with the person who's responsible because he won't talk to me. I've lost two of my friends this week. One to my honesty and one to drama with a girl. Possessive. I miss them. They understood me.

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Trip.

I find it funny and kinda sad that people go in the continuous circles. mad people in mad places doing mad things. Wondering around as if the sense of distance will surface their problems. Doing the same things at the same time with the same people. Monotonous life. Worn out faces and places cover their lives, drowning them in routine and schedule. The distance they cover gets them no where but there. They cry and dwell in their lives, suffering, miserable, alone. Everyone is alone. Alone to live, alone to die, alone to succeed in an impossible world. Children with the illusion of life, the smiles and success, the money and families. This is not life. Life is dreary and lonely.
lonely is such a perfect word. Everyone is lonely. Lonely is the substance of life. Without it everyone be lost. However, recognizing that they're alone gives meaning, and something to reach for. Depressing isn't it? but being lonely is healthy. It makes you appreciate company when you have it. Without company, one would be alone, like everyone else.

Trippiest video. check it out here

13/1/10


Sometimes when I look at myself in the mirror, I could get lost in it. The face staring back at me does not look like me. It does not move, speak, or feel like I do. The eyes are hollow, empty and cold. They search the face for some familiarity, however, through all the searching there is hope.
hope.
Excitem
ent and curiosity, the eyes ready for adventure and for life to start. For this so start.
Feeling sheltered and closed.
Unmoving and alone.
Love me.


I put on my make up trying to make it seem more like me, covering my flaws and masking my frown. I turn to my room and look around. Pictures and posters, interests and memories. memories I want to forget. Living in the past brings pain to the present. Flooded with memories. Tears swell. I'm pathetic.

Can I make myself up with paint and movement, each brush stroke a new mark? Redoing myself over making something to want. I want someone to want me. Someone to notice me and what i do. Someone to love me.

Thought I had that with you.
Melting like ice cream in June when you're in the room.
Invincible together, facing the future hand in hand.

The future runs at us, my palm is hollow.
I look to you and you're not there.

Forced to face this world alone.

Why don't you want me?
I can love, I can smile, I can give you everything.
Love me.


Wednesday night I'm sitting on my bed.
Fingers are tired, numbness building.
Musics playing, drowning out the world.
My mind races to you.

Everything comes to you.
A good song.
A hot day.
A single moment and my mind, my heart, is yours.

My mind frazzles, memories, images, thoughts of you.
Need to rest, put my mind at ease.
Sleep, a chance to dream, an escape from reality.
A chance to love you without fear.
I love sleep, it brings me to you.
If only I was with you, if it would bring me to you,
I would sleep for my whole life.

Saturday, January 9, 2010

resolutions

New years resolutions.
  • Be completely honest and open
  • Trust people
  • Have fun
  • Experiment
  • Do what I want
  • Finish summer readings
  • Do well in Year 13
  • Get into Uni.
These are my basic principals for this year. Hopefully high-fives will ensue but personally, i'm counting on failures. We shall see.

Friday, January 1, 2010

freedom

People need freedom.
Confinement and cages.
Leashes and Collars.
They are no longer just for the use of animals, but for people and society. We are not expressive nor are we free.
We are systematic and automatic.
We are sheltered and cornered.
We have all this potential within us to just break out! To go against the norm and to just scream from within selves and unleash an entirely new generation.
One free of war and law.
One free of regulations and restrictions.
The only law to follow is the law of the people and the law of the people is to be true to ourselves. We make our own laws.
Jimi Hendrix said it, "Are you experienced?" Black Sabbath said it, "We sold our souls for rock and roll". The question of our lives as said by Jimi himself, the truth behind his words is that we are not because we do not embrace and experience life; but what Black Sabbath doesn't know, is that our generation and the people we are surrounded by every day for all our lives, did not sell their soul for music, let alone rock and roll, but for law and power.
All life is today is power.
What's power?!
Power is just a word used to trap us even further in our caves by giving us this image of a lower standing than someone else. And due to this lower social status, we cannot fully be free.
Well I say Fuck power.
Fuck all the people who stand over us.
Fuck the ones who tell you you aren't good enough and you are stupid for all the decisions you make.
The only wrong decisions and examples of being 'not good enough' are them. The ones in suits and the ones in costume. Because behind their costumes and their suits they are nothing. So we as the general public hold the power.
We are the ones with the freedom. So I say go out, be free, and fuck power, it's only there to hold you back.