recent books

so I officially started my summer reading list and what it is i would like to accomplish. some of them are the typical juvenile easy reads just for the entertainment, however, i am branching out more. I want to read the second book by Dave Eggers, I would like to continue books by Augustin Burroughs ( he is an amazing author) but some new books I want to get a feel for are:

• Mark Twain, Mississippi Writings
• Charles Dickens, Great Expectations
• Ian McEwan, Saturday
• Kurt Vonnegut, Slaughterhouse five
• Ernest Hemmingway, For Whom the Bells Toll
• Oscar Wilde, The Picture of Dorian Gray
• Albert Camus, The Stranger

So far this is my list. I want to venture back to the classics and hopefully expand my literary compass. Feel free to recommend books that you have read and particularly like.

I got my feet on the ground but my heads in the clouds. . .

give too much, recieve too little.
looking at your life, standing in the middle.

burning bridges as they come,
meeting people but only remembering some.

questions unanswered and lies being told,
discussing your future as it all unfolds.

uncertainty grips you as you think of who you are,
wanting to run away, just run so far.

experimenting and exciting, the thrill grips you,
trying things you know you shouldn't do.

lost in this world as it rushes past you,
standing in the middle of a crowd waiting for your cue.

screaming inside to find yourself, to leave this life behind,
waiting on people, waiting on yourself, for things you'll never find.

daydreams and make beliveve, fill my time in this world,
questions wanting answers, wanting questions, being hurled.

aceepting this life, or trying to change it,
feeling more and more alone, bit by small bit.

crumbling down into myself, in search for answers,
escaping from my thoughts, my feelings, and their advancers.

never being good enough or what people want,
images of a better life and confessions that haunt.

playing for keeps with yourself, and yourself alone,
never being able to find someone, or someplace to call home.

the clouds drifts by and the sun floats away,
showing us that its the end of another meaningless day.

the darkness engulfs us, and it spreads around,
blinding our sights, and blurring the sounds.

falling again, and loosing my state of mind,
lost the memorable people, the ones few, but kind.

Rain

As the rain pours down outside I cannot help but laugh at the irony. Clouds hold in their rain and wait and wait, trying to pro-long it as long as possible but eventually have to burst. I feel like we have a similar life to clouds. For example:

The rain.
The rain is held in making the cloud grow grey and dark, luminous over the area it is above. The cloud sets a mood around it that of negativity and, my mother’s favorite word to describe this weather, miserable. Miserable is such a good word for this weather. You feel sad and gloomy when it’s raining. You want to sit at home with a good book and a hot chocolate and just bask in the terrible weather outside while you are safe inside. Inside you are secure from all the misery outside.
We do this in life. If there’s a problem we try and find a safe spot in order to avoid it, in order to stay safe and not be hurt. But what happens if the rain gets inside, and you now have a small leak?

The water cycle.
For most of you, you know how the water cycle works, its ups and downs and transformations. The same as we have. Evaporation is us gathering up our feelings, condensation is the beginning of our collection and holding it up giving off this illusion that every thing is fine and puffy and simple. Then, one day, out of the blue (excuse my pun) you can burst. Some weather men can’t even predict these things. Well in case you didn’t know this is precipitation. The releasing of the rain onto everyone else and showering us with its problems. So then what happens to ones who got drenched with our rain?

The burst, precipitation.
This one can be the most dangerous. Rain can result in floods, landslides, and terrible greif. So is it better to have a constant drizzle of rain every day for the rest of our lives, or have one huge burst destroying things and prospects, but then be ok until the next one? Whether it’s the huge burst or the slight drizzle, either way we have to have some way of release. We need to vent to ramble to go on and on and on about things sometimes otherwise we rain and we pour cats and dogs and then inevitably, continue on this “water cycle” all our lives. Is there another solution to this? There has to be something more to our lives than waiting for the storm to come and then waiting for it to pass. Some say life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass, some say it’s about learning to dance in the rain. But what if you can’t find the rainbow at the end? What if there is no rainbow.
This thought alone scares us into holding in and turning into this dark cloud amongst all the blue in the sky. This thought of hurt and insecurity is the terrifying truth that we have to face. Why are we so afraid of getting hurt? We have this preconceived notion that hurt is this terrible thing, that you can never fully recover and can go all your life with this pain. Maybe that’s true. Maybe you never really get over things, but either way it’s better to face them and know the “truth” behind it (I put truth in quotation marks because, as said in my last post, there is no real truth). Would you rather go your whole life thinking everything is fine, only to find out it’s not, and then have to deal with that pain? Or would you rather just be oblivious to it, and be happy with what you think it is, just to avoid getting hurt? I feel as though this is the crucial fact of the matter that we need to know. This is the essence of our being. We have to go through these things. We have to burn bridges in order to make new ones where the old one laid. We have to go through pain in order to come out stronger than before. We have to be hurt time and time again in order to recognize problems and know how to deal with them. But why is this necessary? Why can’t it just be simple as Disney has made it seem. We have grown up with this thought of fairy tales and happily ever after, which of course is Hallmark and Disney’s fault. But this rant about what is wrong with our children’s childhoods and planting these fake hopes in their heads, is a different blog for a different time.
So ultimately, can we stop this water cycle of emotions, or is it bad to go against nature?

The Cycle

I suppose its better not to know things.
If you're kept out of it then you can't get hurt and you can't be disappointed.

Disappointment. Such a simple yet terrifying thing.
One can earn disappointment or disappointment can be thrust upon them.
In any way, one will still experience it.

You can be disappointed when something ends, when something begins, or when something changes.
Change is the greatest disappointment.

Change is never what you expect or what you want.
Some would argue that its unpredictability is its beauty.
I argue that they're idiots.

However, as we all know, change is inevitable.
Change is the bus running late and walking to work.
Change is loosing your job or breaking up.
Change can even be as small as a different brand of shampoo.
No matter the change that takes place, we still are uncomfortable, even if only for seconds, with change.

Uncomfortable is an itchy sock on a hot day.
Uncomfortable is plumbers butt.
Uncomfortable are the words you want to think of, but not hear.
Uncomfortable is the truth.

The truth is. . . .well there is no truth.
There is the perception of truth and the "honest answer", but not yet truth.
Truth is true love.
Truth is seeing your baby for the first time.
Truth is the perfect day.

Perfect.
Perfection is ones image of his or her life as it should be.
Perfection is a cold beer on a hot day.
Perfection is the first laugh, steps, and words spoken.
Perfection is ever changing.
Perfection as a whole is disappointing. For there is no perfection.

Realizing the already realized

Song to this blog: Only ones who know, Arctic Monkeys

So i've realized that you are never going to get exactly what it is that you want. Majority of the time you're not even going to get anything close to it. You are forever to wonder and want and aim aimlessly at it, without ever reaching it or hitting your target. But why after so long do we still attempt to get it? Why are we still trying for something that we know we cannot have and may never be able to have, yet we continue to push it and try so hard for it? I suppose it goes to that saying that we want what we can't have, and how very true that saying is. When we can't have something we strive to have it just because we're told we can't, which taps in to the rebel in all of us, and because we want to be able to prove someone wrong. Even after these attempts and fails, attempts and fails, etc. etc. How and when do we realize that we have to just give up at some point? When is it that people are going to recognize that it will not work out and they will not succeed at it? But why can't we? We are raised believing that we can do anything we set our mind to. Anything. Yet there are countless times in life when we cannot do anything. We cannot force someone to love us, we cannot make peace with the world and stop war forever, we cannot control peoples thoughts and how they act towards one another. There are things we cannot do, yet we still strive for them so desperately, still believeing we can do it due to our adolescant teachings. Yet when you do realize what it is you already know, such as something never going to happen, how are we to deal with it? How are we to deal with defeat and, put simply, failure?

Quote of the blog:
"Success is a process more than a realization."

Bad boys? or bad for you?

Song to this Blog: "Bad Boy" Cascada

So we all know the quintessential bad boy. The Grease guys with the leather jackets and the slicked back hair, the cigarettes the alcohol the whole persona of a bad boy. But then why are we still attracted to the modern day bad boy just because he, well what we think is, still the classic bad boy. Bad boys now-a-days aren't the same as in the movies. We have the ones with the leather and the wanna be classic bad boys, but then we also now have the real trouble ones with the drugs and the drinking and the smoking and everything, but why do we still find them attractive? Why do we crave for that change, for that danger and adventure, and how do they become those people that we want to be with? I've always been attracted to the bad boys, the ones that are no good and are the "stay away from them, they're bad news" as our mothers would say. I like the danger and the risk, the possibility of getting into a bad situation. I understand that sounds bad and i never put myself in bad situations, I'm smarter than that, but i like having that possibility. I like their "fuck it all" attitudes. I suppose that's it. We like how they don't care, we like the possibility that because they don't care so much, we hope, maybe just maybe, we'll be the ones to change that. We like having a challenge, we like the challenge and the possibility of making someone like them . . . good or at least just to fall for us. So i guess the question is are they really "Bad Boys" or are they just "Bad for Us"?

Quote to this blog:
"I want a Bad Boy in public, and a pussy cat at home!"
-Christina Aguilera

Open like a book, or through the pages we weep. . .

Song to this blog : "Better Alone" by Carolina Liar

So as i mentioned in my introduction paragraph i have a problem trusting people. I don't open up to everyone, anyone really.  I tell my friends things, personal things, but things like feelings or certain evernts i leave out because i don't know how by telling someone that's going to help me.  Why do people think that by letting them in and showing them who you "really are", that its going to make your life better or easier or that they can help? Because they can't. By opening up you're not allowing someone to help you, you're setting yourself up for hurt.  By letting people in you give them the ammunition they need to one day use it against you. By opening yourself up and letting them "read you like a book" it's not helping you and its only burdening them.  I understand that this sounds silly and as if i have no idea what i'm talking about, but from my experience, through trusting everyone, you only set yourself up for disapointment and heartache.  What happens when you let someone in, when you tell them everything and then when you need them, theyr'e not there? Then you're left with nothing and no one again, yet now you know think that by opening up your scaring people away. In my last relationship things ended badly partly beacuse of my incapability to open up to him. Because i couldn't tell him exactly how i felt, i wouldn't let him in on my past and things that have happened because i was afraid he would judge me and then no longer like me. I was afraid that by opening up when things ended, if they ended badly, he would use them against me, and the things would be so personal and real that they would destroy me. This then leads to recent events taking place with someone i'm friends with and how i don't let him know me. He's right though. I complained how i knew so much about him but yet he knew nothing about me. I thought it was him not trying enough or just not caring to know but the truth was i didn't let him know. I didn't let him find out about me. I guess 've always believed that expression "the walls around my heart aren't built to keep people out, but to find the one person who's brave enough to tear them down." I suppose everyones looking for that someone. Someone who you don't need to have to let in, but just will. Someone who you unconiously just open up to and spill your soul too. I realized with this last guy, who i just refered to, that i had been gradually doing it all along. I had told him things about me that other people didn't know and i thought it was because he didn't know anyone. He didn't know any of my friends, he didn't go to my school, he was older so i thought he wouldn't judge me and because of these things i opened up because i knew that even if things ended badly he would tell his friends sure, but i wouldn't hear it about it. I wouldn't have everyone in school knowing. So as much as that is part of the reason for me opening up to him, i suppose i also did because well. . . . I do trust him. And that statement alone, that trust that i just said, terrifies me, but at the same time, thrills me. So i'm not sure if it's good or bad to open to people, to be open like a book, or through doing so, through the pages we weep, but i do know that i have to try atleast, that i can't keep people out forever because eventually they'll just give up trying to get in and then i really am left with no one . . .

Quote to this blog :
"And he goes through life, with his mouth open, and his mind closed."
Oscar Wilde.