6:53

6:42. went this morning to the SPCA to look at adopting a dog. Mum got emotional and cried. I miss Hershey. Went out. Bought some clothes. Tired. Ate a shake thing. Felt sick. Came home and watched a show about plastic surgery. Gross. Noticed my flaws. Silly. Listened to a lot of Matt Wertz, it changed to Akon. I felt degraded so I changed it. Feel bad for my mum. She's lonely. Her fucked up husband doesn't help. Asshole. Camera's broken. Only got it at Christmas. Feel bad. I miss my friends. I want to go back. I need a job first. Provide me with 3 grand by June. Seems impossible. I need to go home. I need a lonely night. Matt Wertz says it best in this song. No particular reason. Just a quiet night. It's 6:49. Not even dark night. Can hear my neighbors nephews next door. Makes me smile when they laugh. slight breeze shifts the curtain. I imagine a hand doing it. Swaying it softly. Invisible. I smell bacon. Making me hungry. These all end with food. Odd. My main focus in life. The things we need in life : Garlic, cheese, bacon and money. Sad. But good when mixed together (exception money, don't eat that). 6:53. I want bacon. Lots of bacon. I won't end this on a food note though. So go here. And enjoy the humor of media.

9:15

9:03 had a mass tonight. A commission ceremony for all the graduating year at my school. I don't believe in that stuff. I dreamt in my head. Fingers tapped tapped tapped against the 6 page booklet laying in my lap. Screamo filled my head as it clashed with the chorus singing in front of me. I laughed to myself at the confusion. Came home with pizza. I had salad. Tomato, chicken, bacon and avocado. Good. Had two slices of mums pizza. Better. Came in my room. Talked to someone online. Awkward but good. Surprising. 9:13 now. bored. Not tired enough to sleep. Ran out of Megavideo. Fuck. Attempt number two. It's hot. Sweating. muggy out again. Lights are too hot aswell. No air conditioning. Damn parents. Signing off at 9:15. Enjoy.

6:52

it's 6:43. 6:41 on my second clock. Mums making Stir-fry with mushrooms. Odd combo. Turned off already. I'm looking out the window. Birds chirping. Sun is shining. Feels like the middle of the afternoon. Hot air, muggy breaths. Heat fills up my room mocking me by not leaving through the open windows. Talking to my friends on facebook as a distraction. One broke his wrist. Ouch. TV's on in the background. Father's on his ass. Nothing new. Clothes on my floor need to be put away. Procrastinate. Filled out my forms to get a job today, I need the money. Flashback to him. I need the money to go back to Randolph in June. Highlight of going back? Friends, homey, graduation. Him. Crazy, confused, pathetic me. Still after what I can't and will never have. Rustle of peanut bag in the hallway distracts me. Bloody bugs, they'll be the death of me. Scramble to kill it before it suck blood from my body. Uncomfortable now. Feels like there are bugs everywhere. Paranoia. Dads business is going under. After all that we're screwed. Definitely no god. 6:49. Dinner call. Eating in my room tonight. Not feeling too sociable. I again turn to the window and glance out. Another call from the kitchen. Yes. I sit a little longer. Enjoying the sound of my fingers on the keys. The light tapping like a dance solo in my head. The feet repeating the same rhythm in time to the cicadas and birds tunes outside. Uncomfortable feeling in my body. Go drown myself in grease and oil covered vegetables. Hopefully not to many clogged arteries so I can write again. No promises. 6:52. Finally depart.

Regret.

So I'm getting sick. maybe it's just being here and i am allergic to the country and the current state of my life; perhaps it's simply a bug, but whatever the reason, being sick sucks. It makes you rather mopey and sad and kinda lonely when you're sick, especially when you're single, (current relationship status). You look at things differently when you're sick. You think of things you don't normally do and look back on your life and typically dwell on the negatives. You think of exes and listen to depressing music (at least in my case). Found a new artist who fulfills that quot-um; Matt Wertz. Good music, check him out. But back to dwelling. When you look back on your past, should you focus on what you've lost, and the lessons learned from loss? Or focus on the positives, and the experience gained? At what point do you have to choose between learning and experiencing? We are brought up to learn, programed to learn and do so for the majority of our lives, but when on our own and when looking for ourselves, we tend to experience. We live. We are so focused on doing the right thing and worrying about regret, that we tend to stay in our comfort zone. Don't ask, don't tell policy. Don't do, Don't regret philosophy. But when really pondering our past is it better to have regrets, or to just accept what it is and move on? Or, is it possible to do both? To live like we want to, as the saying goes, "Live with no regret". But with regrets we learn lessons, we again, learn but are we also experiencing from the action or incident in which we learned something from? People tend to not regret not doing things, but regret things about themselves. Regret starting smoking or not talking to girls more, regret being sheltered and not outgoing. Tend to regret personal qualities, more so than personal experiences or actions. Regret not being what they want to be. I have a few regrets from incidents, but again, more characteristics than actions. We are so critical of ourselves, we project our regrets inward at ourselves than at missed opportunities. This continuous inward struggle for perfection and acceptance in society. To be completely protected from regret because with regret comes disappointment and hurt. Always fearful of hurt and not being good enough. However, when has being ourselves (mistakes and all) not been enough?

Anywhere

An incredible video. If you could wake up anywhere, where would it be?

Fifty People, One Question: London from Fifty People, One Question on Vimeo.

Faith

God. The all wise, the all powerful, the all knowing, God. For hundreds of thousands of years people have discussed and philosophized and argued the sense of god and religion. Stating that without religion or faith, one would cease to exist, one would be soulless. Though for those of us out there who do no believe, let alone practice, this form of religion and belief, we still function. We still exist and am capable of thought and emotion so how can we be soulless? To have faith in something because of a book and because of stories seems rather illogical. To put your mind and your energy into believing that there is something out there that can control us and can determine our fate and our inevitable demise, is simply ludicrous.
Jesus they say, claimed to be the son of God. He would do Gods will and fulfill what needed to be done of him. Then he had to die for our sins. However, if God forgives us for our sins, so we are eternally forgiven, then why the need to kill Jesus? Why would God put all of his trust and all of his will onto one man, when he created us. God supposedly made us all so if he can create he can take away. We have all seen Gods work of taking away, especially recently. The Thousands dead in Haiti, hurricane Katrina, The tsunamis. All of these things, if there is a God, is his work. All of these 'natural wonders' and 'Gods beauty'. But what is so beautiful about thousands of people dying? What is so beautiful and wonderful about lives being destroyed and people left homeless?

After an event such as the earthquake in Haiti, everyone talks about praying for those poor people. Why should we pray? If God had wanted them spared then he would not have created such a 'natural wonder' that could be capable of this. We should pray to a man who takes away lives, only to have us beg for him to spare them? No. We should be helping them physically and financially. Praying for these people is not going to bring back the dead, it is not going to cure the ill or fix the wounded. Only what we are capable of doing ourselves, can bring aide to them.

Many argue that faith is a cornerstone, it is a building block in which to expand upon with your beliefs and experiences as you grow older. But typically when using the word faith they are referring to an aspect of religion. But what about all the faith that people have? Faith in humanity and in ourselves, faith in society and the professions. Faith is not about believing in a book and following it because it tells us to. Faith is about doing and learning for ourselves, giving everyone something to put their faith into.

Ramble

One week left until school. Got my grades back from my final. As my father puts it. "She did surprisingly well." I love how he can say that in a proud voice. That my grades are surprising. Just because i'm miserable with my life, does not mean I'm not trying to succeed. I want to do well. I really do. It's hard. It's hard with him constantly calling me a failure, saying I won't do anything with my life. It's hard to keep trying when you don't want to. When it doesn't seem worth it. When you're so miserable with your life and so unhappy all the time but you still must get through work. He pushes me to do things i don't want to. To be someone else. He continues to talk to me after he knows i want nothing to do with him. He continues to exist. Cease, please. But enough of my daddy issues. Back to life here.

Haven't left the house in about 2 days ever since my family left. (brother, sister, brothers gf). Don't feel like doing anything or seeing anyone. Just want to leave everything and go off on my own. Explore the world and make sometihng of myself. Help someone. Do something meaningful. That to me is what life is about. Doing something that makes someone else's life better. I want to join the peace corp. one day but that requires 3 years of college and after doing 3 years of college i'll be pushed into doing something else. It's a silly thing to want something. When you want, there' a possibility of being disappointed. Too much disappointment.

I've been living in my leather jacket. My confined, safe, and tough exterior. I'm saving up for June. realized the other day that its about $3,000 to go back to the states. Only saved up about $200 so far. Parents haven't gotten me my social security number yet so i can't get a job. My parents know how badly i need to go back, even for a visit and with my "dads" air points he could get me a free trip. But instead, he wants to give pointless trips to my brother and sister who don't really wanna go anywhere. Lucky me.

The song that fills my head day after day is "Heard the world" by O.A.R. It's inspiring and depressing. Got a lot into The White Mice recently as well. Can't share that with the person who's responsible because he won't talk to me. I've lost two of my friends this week. One to my honesty and one to drama with a girl. Possessive. I miss them. They understood me.