Thursday, October 15, 2009

Realizing the already realized

Song to this blog: Only ones who know, Arctic Monkeys

So i've realized that you are never going to get exactly what it is that you want. Majority of the time you're not even going to get anything close to it. You are forever to wonder and want and aim aimlessly at it, without ever reaching it or hitting your target. But why after so long do we still attempt to get it? Why are we still trying for something that we know we cannot have and may never be able to have, yet we continue to push it and try so hard for it? I suppose it goes to that saying that we want what we can't have, and how very true that saying is. When we can't have something we strive to have it just because we're told we can't, which taps in to the rebel in all of us, and because we want to be able to prove someone wrong. Even after these attempts and fails, attempts and fails, etc. etc. How and when do we realize that we have to just give up at some point? When is it that people are going to recognize that it will not work out and they will not succeed at it? But why can't we? We are raised believing that we can do anything we set our mind to. Anything. Yet there are countless times in life when we cannot do anything. We cannot force someone to love us, we cannot make peace with the world and stop war forever, we cannot control peoples thoughts and how they act towards one another. There are things we cannot do, yet we still strive for them so desperately, still believeing we can do it due to our adolescant teachings. Yet when you do realize what it is you already know, such as something never going to happen, how are we to deal with it? How are we to deal with defeat and, put simply, failure?

Quote of the blog:
"Success is a process more than a realization."

Thursday, October 1, 2009

Bad boys? or bad for you?

Song to this Blog: "Bad Boy" Cascada

So we all know the quintessential bad boy. The Grease guys with the leather jackets and the slicked back hair, the cigarettes the alcohol the whole persona of a bad boy. But then why are we still attracted to the modern day bad boy just because he, well what we think is, still the classic bad boy. Bad boys now-a-days aren't the same as in the movies. We have the ones with the leather and the wanna be classic bad boys, but then we also now have the real trouble ones with the drugs and the drinking and the smoking and everything, but why do we still find them attractive? Why do we crave for that change, for that danger and adventure, and how do they become those people that we want to be with? I've always been attracted to the bad boys, the ones that are no good and are the "stay away from them, they're bad news" as our mothers would say. I like the danger and the risk, the possibility of getting into a bad situation. I understand that sounds bad and i never put myself in bad situations, I'm smarter than that, but i like having that possibility. I like their "fuck it all" attitudes. I suppose that's it. We like how they don't care, we like the possibility that because they don't care so much, we hope, maybe just maybe, we'll be the ones to change that. We like having a challenge, we like the challenge and the possibility of making someone like them . . . good or at least just to fall for us. So i guess the question is are they really "Bad Boys" or are they just "Bad for Us"?

Quote to this blog:
"I want a Bad Boy in public, and a pussy cat at home!"
-Christina Aguilera

Open like a book, or through the pages we weep. . .

Song to this blog : "Better Alone" by Carolina Liar

So as i mentioned in my introduction paragraph i have a problem trusting people. I don't open up to everyone, anyone really.  I tell my friends things, personal things, but things like feelings or certain evernts i leave out because i don't know how by telling someone that's going to help me.  Why do people think that by letting them in and showing them who you "really are", that its going to make your life better or easier or that they can help? Because they can't. By opening up you're not allowing someone to help you, you're setting yourself up for hurt.  By letting people in you give them the ammunition they need to one day use it against you. By opening yourself up and letting them "read you like a book" it's not helping you and its only burdening them.  I understand that this sounds silly and as if i have no idea what i'm talking about, but from my experience, through trusting everyone, you only set yourself up for disapointment and heartache.  What happens when you let someone in, when you tell them everything and then when you need them, theyr'e not there? Then you're left with nothing and no one again, yet now you know think that by opening up your scaring people away. In my last relationship things ended badly partly beacuse of my incapability to open up to him. Because i couldn't tell him exactly how i felt, i wouldn't let him in on my past and things that have happened because i was afraid he would judge me and then no longer like me. I was afraid that by opening up when things ended, if they ended badly, he would use them against me, and the things would be so personal and real that they would destroy me. This then leads to recent events taking place with someone i'm friends with and how i don't let him know me. He's right though. I complained how i knew so much about him but yet he knew nothing about me. I thought it was him not trying enough or just not caring to know but the truth was i didn't let him know. I didn't let him find out about me. I guess 've always believed that expression "the walls around my heart aren't built to keep people out, but to find the one person who's brave enough to tear them down." I suppose everyones looking for that someone. Someone who you don't need to have to let in, but just will. Someone who you unconiously just open up to and spill your soul too. I realized with this last guy, who i just refered to, that i had been gradually doing it all along. I had told him things about me that other people didn't know and i thought it was because he didn't know anyone. He didn't know any of my friends, he didn't go to my school, he was older so i thought he wouldn't judge me and because of these things i opened up because i knew that even if things ended badly he would tell his friends sure, but i wouldn't hear it about it. I wouldn't have everyone in school knowing. So as much as that is part of the reason for me opening up to him, i suppose i also did because well. . . . I do trust him. And that statement alone, that trust that i just said, terrifies me, but at the same time, thrills me. So i'm not sure if it's good or bad to open to people, to be open like a book, or through doing so, through the pages we weep, but i do know that i have to try atleast, that i can't keep people out forever because eventually they'll just give up trying to get in and then i really am left with no one . . .

Quote to this blog :
"And he goes through life, with his mouth open, and his mind closed."
Oscar Wilde.