Sunday, January 31, 2010


So I'm getting sick. maybe it's just being here and i am allergic to the country and the current state of my life; perhaps it's simply a bug, but whatever the reason, being sick sucks. It makes you rather mopey and sad and kinda lonely when you're sick, especially when you're single, (current relationship status). You look at things differently when you're sick. You think of things you don't normally do and look back on your life and typically dwell on the negatives. You think of exes and listen to depressing music (at least in my case). Found a new artist who fulfills that quot-um; Matt Wertz. Good music, check him out. But back to dwelling. When you look back on your past, should you focus on what you've lost, and the lessons learned from loss? Or focus on the positives, and the experience gained? At what point do you have to choose between learning and experiencing? We are brought up to learn, programed to learn and do so for the majority of our lives, but when on our own and when looking for ourselves, we tend to experience. We live. We are so focused on doing the right thing and worrying about regret, that we tend to stay in our comfort zone. Don't ask, don't tell policy. Don't do, Don't regret philosophy. But when really pondering our past is it better to have regrets, or to just accept what it is and move on? Or, is it possible to do both? To live like we want to, as the saying goes, "Live with no regret". But with regrets we learn lessons, we again, learn but are we also experiencing from the action or incident in which we learned something from? People tend to not regret not doing things, but regret things about themselves. Regret starting smoking or not talking to girls more, regret being sheltered and not outgoing. Tend to regret personal qualities, more so than personal experiences or actions. Regret not being what they want to be. I have a few regrets from incidents, but again, more characteristics than actions. We are so critical of ourselves, we project our regrets inward at ourselves than at missed opportunities. This continuous inward struggle for perfection and acceptance in society. To be completely protected from regret because with regret comes disappointment and hurt. Always fearful of hurt and not being good enough. However, when has being ourselves (mistakes and all) not been enough?

Sunday, January 24, 2010


An incredible video. If you could wake up anywhere, where would it be?

Fifty People, One Question: London from Fifty People, One Question on Vimeo.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010


God. The all wise, the all powerful, the all knowing, God. For hundreds of thousands of years people have discussed and philosophized and argued the sense of god and religion. Stating that without religion or faith, one would cease to exist, one would be soulless. Though for those of us out there who do no believe, let alone practice, this form of religion and belief, we still function. We still exist and am capable of thought and emotion so how can we be soulless? To have faith in something because of a book and because of stories seems rather illogical. To put your mind and your energy into believing that there is something out there that can control us and can determine our fate and our inevitable demise, is simply ludicrous.
Jesus they say, claimed to be the son of God. He would do Gods will and fulfill what needed to be done of him. Then he had to die for our sins. However, if God forgives us for our sins, so we are eternally forgiven, then why the need to kill Jesus? Why would God put all of his trust and all of his will onto one man, when he created us. God supposedly made us all so if he can create he can take away. We have all seen Gods work of taking away, especially recently. The Thousands dead in Haiti, hurricane Katrina, The tsunamis. All of these things, if there is a God, is his work. All of these 'natural wonders' and 'Gods beauty'. But what is so beautiful about thousands of people dying? What is so beautiful and wonderful about lives being destroyed and people left homeless?

After an event such as the earthquake in Haiti, everyone talks about praying for those poor people. Why should we pray? If God had wanted them spared then he would not have created such a 'natural wonder' that could be capable of this. We should pray to a man who takes away lives, only to have us beg for him to spare them? No. We should be helping them physically and financially. Praying for these people is not going to bring back the dead, it is not going to cure the ill or fix the wounded. Only what we are capable of doing ourselves, can bring aide to them.

Many argue that faith is a cornerstone, it is a building block in which to expand upon with your beliefs and experiences as you grow older. But typically when using the word faith they are referring to an aspect of religion. But what about all the faith that people have? Faith in humanity and in ourselves, faith in society and the professions. Faith is not about believing in a book and following it because it tells us to. Faith is about doing and learning for ourselves, giving everyone something to put their faith into.

Saturday, January 16, 2010


One week left until school. Got my grades back from my final. As my father puts it. "She did surprisingly well." I love how he can say that in a proud voice. That my grades are surprising. Just because i'm miserable with my life, does not mean I'm not trying to succeed. I want to do well. I really do. It's hard. It's hard with him constantly calling me a failure, saying I won't do anything with my life. It's hard to keep trying when you don't want to. When it doesn't seem worth it. When you're so miserable with your life and so unhappy all the time but you still must get through work. He pushes me to do things i don't want to. To be someone else. He continues to talk to me after he knows i want nothing to do with him. He continues to exist. Cease, please. But enough of my daddy issues. Back to life here.

Haven't left the house in about 2 days ever since my family left. (brother, sister, brothers gf). Don't feel like doing anything or seeing anyone. Just want to leave everything and go off on my own. Explore the world and make sometihng of myself. Help someone. Do something meaningful. That to me is what life is about. Doing something that makes someone else's life better. I want to join the peace corp. one day but that requires 3 years of college and after doing 3 years of college i'll be pushed into doing something else. It's a silly thing to want something. When you want, there' a possibility of being disappointed. Too much disappointment.

I've been living in my leather jacket. My confined, safe, and tough exterior. I'm saving up for June. realized the other day that its about $3,000 to go back to the states. Only saved up about $200 so far. Parents haven't gotten me my social security number yet so i can't get a job. My parents know how badly i need to go back, even for a visit and with my "dads" air points he could get me a free trip. But instead, he wants to give pointless trips to my brother and sister who don't really wanna go anywhere. Lucky me.

The song that fills my head day after day is "Heard the world" by O.A.R. It's inspiring and depressing. Got a lot into The White Mice recently as well. Can't share that with the person who's responsible because he won't talk to me. I've lost two of my friends this week. One to my honesty and one to drama with a girl. Possessive. I miss them. They understood me.

Tuesday, January 12, 2010


I find it funny and kinda sad that people go in the continuous circles. mad people in mad places doing mad things. Wondering around as if the sense of distance will surface their problems. Doing the same things at the same time with the same people. Monotonous life. Worn out faces and places cover their lives, drowning them in routine and schedule. The distance they cover gets them no where but there. They cry and dwell in their lives, suffering, miserable, alone. Everyone is alone. Alone to live, alone to die, alone to succeed in an impossible world. Children with the illusion of life, the smiles and success, the money and families. This is not life. Life is dreary and lonely.
lonely is such a perfect word. Everyone is lonely. Lonely is the substance of life. Without it everyone be lost. However, recognizing that they're alone gives meaning, and something to reach for. Depressing isn't it? but being lonely is healthy. It makes you appreciate company when you have it. Without company, one would be alone, like everyone else.

Trippiest video. check it out here


Sometimes when I look at myself in the mirror, I could get lost in it. The face staring back at me does not look like me. It does not move, speak, or feel like I do. The eyes are hollow, empty and cold. They search the face for some familiarity, however, through all the searching there is hope.
ent and curiosity, the eyes ready for adventure and for life to start. For this so start.
Feeling sheltered and closed.
Unmoving and alone.
Love me.

I put on my make up trying to make it seem more like me, covering my flaws and masking my frown. I turn to my room and look around. Pictures and posters, interests and memories. memories I want to forget. Living in the past brings pain to the present. Flooded with memories. Tears swell. I'm pathetic.

Can I make myself up with paint and movement, each brush stroke a new mark? Redoing myself over making something to want. I want someone to want me. Someone to notice me and what i do. Someone to love me.

Thought I had that with you.
Melting like ice cream in June when you're in the room.
Invincible together, facing the future hand in hand.

The future runs at us, my palm is hollow.
I look to you and you're not there.

Forced to face this world alone.

Why don't you want me?
I can love, I can smile, I can give you everything.
Love me.

Wednesday night I'm sitting on my bed.
Fingers are tired, numbness building.
Musics playing, drowning out the world.
My mind races to you.

Everything comes to you.
A good song.
A hot day.
A single moment and my mind, my heart, is yours.

My mind frazzles, memories, images, thoughts of you.
Need to rest, put my mind at ease.
Sleep, a chance to dream, an escape from reality.
A chance to love you without fear.
I love sleep, it brings me to you.
If only I was with you, if it would bring me to you,
I would sleep for my whole life.

Saturday, January 9, 2010


New years resolutions.
  • Be completely honest and open
  • Trust people
  • Have fun
  • Experiment
  • Do what I want
  • Finish summer readings
  • Do well in Year 13
  • Get into Uni.
These are my basic principals for this year. Hopefully high-fives will ensue but personally, i'm counting on failures. We shall see.

Friday, January 1, 2010


People need freedom.
Confinement and cages.
Leashes and Collars.
They are no longer just for the use of animals, but for people and society. We are not expressive nor are we free.
We are systematic and automatic.
We are sheltered and cornered.
We have all this potential within us to just break out! To go against the norm and to just scream from within selves and unleash an entirely new generation.
One free of war and law.
One free of regulations and restrictions.
The only law to follow is the law of the people and the law of the people is to be true to ourselves. We make our own laws.
Jimi Hendrix said it, "Are you experienced?" Black Sabbath said it, "We sold our souls for rock and roll". The question of our lives as said by Jimi himself, the truth behind his words is that we are not because we do not embrace and experience life; but what Black Sabbath doesn't know, is that our generation and the people we are surrounded by every day for all our lives, did not sell their soul for music, let alone rock and roll, but for law and power.
All life is today is power.
What's power?!
Power is just a word used to trap us even further in our caves by giving us this image of a lower standing than someone else. And due to this lower social status, we cannot fully be free.
Well I say Fuck power.
Fuck all the people who stand over us.
Fuck the ones who tell you you aren't good enough and you are stupid for all the decisions you make.
The only wrong decisions and examples of being 'not good enough' are them. The ones in suits and the ones in costume. Because behind their costumes and their suits they are nothing. So we as the general public hold the power.
We are the ones with the freedom. So I say go out, be free, and fuck power, it's only there to hold you back.