Thursday, October 1, 2009

Open like a book, or through the pages we weep. . .

Song to this blog : "Better Alone" by Carolina Liar

So as i mentioned in my introduction paragraph i have a problem trusting people. I don't open up to everyone, anyone really.  I tell my friends things, personal things, but things like feelings or certain evernts i leave out because i don't know how by telling someone that's going to help me.  Why do people think that by letting them in and showing them who you "really are", that its going to make your life better or easier or that they can help? Because they can't. By opening up you're not allowing someone to help you, you're setting yourself up for hurt.  By letting people in you give them the ammunition they need to one day use it against you. By opening yourself up and letting them "read you like a book" it's not helping you and its only burdening them.  I understand that this sounds silly and as if i have no idea what i'm talking about, but from my experience, through trusting everyone, you only set yourself up for disapointment and heartache.  What happens when you let someone in, when you tell them everything and then when you need them, theyr'e not there? Then you're left with nothing and no one again, yet now you know think that by opening up your scaring people away. In my last relationship things ended badly partly beacuse of my incapability to open up to him. Because i couldn't tell him exactly how i felt, i wouldn't let him in on my past and things that have happened because i was afraid he would judge me and then no longer like me. I was afraid that by opening up when things ended, if they ended badly, he would use them against me, and the things would be so personal and real that they would destroy me. This then leads to recent events taking place with someone i'm friends with and how i don't let him know me. He's right though. I complained how i knew so much about him but yet he knew nothing about me. I thought it was him not trying enough or just not caring to know but the truth was i didn't let him know. I didn't let him find out about me. I guess 've always believed that expression "the walls around my heart aren't built to keep people out, but to find the one person who's brave enough to tear them down." I suppose everyones looking for that someone. Someone who you don't need to have to let in, but just will. Someone who you unconiously just open up to and spill your soul too. I realized with this last guy, who i just refered to, that i had been gradually doing it all along. I had told him things about me that other people didn't know and i thought it was because he didn't know anyone. He didn't know any of my friends, he didn't go to my school, he was older so i thought he wouldn't judge me and because of these things i opened up because i knew that even if things ended badly he would tell his friends sure, but i wouldn't hear it about it. I wouldn't have everyone in school knowing. So as much as that is part of the reason for me opening up to him, i suppose i also did because well. . . . I do trust him. And that statement alone, that trust that i just said, terrifies me, but at the same time, thrills me. So i'm not sure if it's good or bad to open to people, to be open like a book, or through doing so, through the pages we weep, but i do know that i have to try atleast, that i can't keep people out forever because eventually they'll just give up trying to get in and then i really am left with no one . . .

Quote to this blog :
"And he goes through life, with his mouth open, and his mind closed."
Oscar Wilde.

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