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So I leave for camp tomorrow. Got me thinking (about packing) and procrastination cuz i do a lot of that. We pack a lot. Women especially. We pack extra shoes, clothes, bra's, make-up anything that will fit into our already over sized suitcases. I mean one could argue that we pack this much because we want to be prepared for every circumstance that might happen on the trip. But can one say this about how we approach life as well?
We pack things away every day, and i know this maybe better than anyone because i personally pack away a lot of emotions and small details of my life everyday so as to not have to confront them. However, we pack away more than just our feelings in fear of seeming weak and helpless. We pack away secrets from the ones we care about such as affairs (just look at Tiger), purchases, stock fraud (just look at Martha Stewart), but we do this all because we are afraid. In today's society we have so much to be afraid of from terrorists, to being raped, so murdered or robbed all the way to forgetting your house keys inside and being locked out. We fear so much of not being perfect and being invaluable in society that we change what we are and mask the mistakes we make because we can't handle what we really do. We want it all. We want it all, all the time, every day. never settling, never choosing, never being decisive from rugs, to wall paint, to brand of diapers to pizza or Chinese take out. We pack so much into our lives that we can barely fit it all in. Smashing so much into ourselves, until we almost burst at the seems, preparing ourselves for any situation. (women typically do more, men are quite oblivious). But what happens when we can't fit it all in our suitcases, and we can't close the lid? What if we can't prepare ourselves for everything, what is society then?
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Saturday, February 6, 2010
Friday, February 5, 2010
6:42. went this morning to the SPCA to look at adopting a dog. Mum got emotional and cried. I miss Hershey. Went out. Bought some clothes. Tired. Ate a shake thing. Felt sick. Came home and watched a show about plastic surgery. Gross. Noticed my flaws. Silly. Listened to a lot of Matt Wertz, it changed to Akon. I felt degraded so I changed it. Feel bad for my mum. She's lonely. Her fucked up husband doesn't help. Asshole. Camera's broken. Only got it at Christmas. Feel bad. I miss my friends. I want to go back. I need a job first. Provide me with 3 grand by June. Seems impossible. I need to go home. I need a lonely night. Matt Wertz says it best in this song. No particular reason. Just a quiet night. It's 6:49. Not even dark night. Can hear my neighbors nephews next door. Makes me smile when they laugh. slight breeze shifts the curtain. I imagine a hand doing it. Swaying it softly. Invisible. I smell bacon. Making me hungry. These all end with food. Odd. My main focus in life. The things we need in life : Garlic, cheese, bacon and money. Sad. But good when mixed together (exception money, don't eat that). 6:53. I want bacon. Lots of bacon. I won't end this on a food note though. So go here. And enjoy the humor of media.
Thursday, February 4, 2010
9:03 had a mass tonight. A commission ceremony for all the graduating year at my school. I don't believe in that stuff. I dreamt in my head. Fingers tapped tapped tapped against the 6 page booklet laying in my lap. Screamo filled my head as it clashed with the chorus singing in front of me. I laughed to myself at the confusion. Came home with pizza. I had salad. Tomato, chicken, bacon and avocado. Good. Had two slices of mums pizza. Better. Came in my room. Talked to someone online. Awkward but good. Surprising. 9:13 now. bored. Not tired enough to sleep. Ran out of Megavideo. Fuck. Attempt number two. It's hot. Sweating. muggy out again. Lights are too hot aswell. No air conditioning. Damn parents. Signing off at 9:15. Enjoy.
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
it's 6:43. 6:41 on my second clock. Mums making Stir-fry with mushrooms. Odd combo. Turned off already. I'm looking out the window. Birds chirping. Sun is shining. Feels like the middle of the afternoon. Hot air, muggy breaths. Heat fills up my room mocking me by not leaving through the open windows. Talking to my friends on facebook as a distraction. One broke his wrist. Ouch. TV's on in the background. Father's on his ass. Nothing new. Clothes on my floor need to be put away. Procrastinate. Filled out my forms to get a job today, I need the money. Flashback to him. I need the money to go back to Randolph in June. Highlight of going back? Friends, homey, graduation. Him. Crazy, confused, pathetic me. Still after what I can't and will never have. Rustle of peanut bag in the hallway distracts me. Bloody bugs, they'll be the death of me. Scramble to kill it before it suck blood from my body. Uncomfortable now. Feels like there are bugs everywhere. Paranoia. Dads business is going under. After all that we're screwed. Definitely no god. 6:49. Dinner call. Eating in my room tonight. Not feeling too sociable. I again turn to the window and glance out. Another call from the kitchen. Yes. I sit a little longer. Enjoying the sound of my fingers on the keys. The light tapping like a dance solo in my head. The feet repeating the same rhythm in time to the cicadas and birds tunes outside. Uncomfortable feeling in my body. Go drown myself in grease and oil covered vegetables. Hopefully not to many clogged arteries so I can write again. No promises. 6:52. Finally depart.