XXX

Song to this post: "3" Britney Spears

So sex. Now I am certainly no expert on the matter and as much as I talk about it to my friends and due to my openness about the subject have been called a Carrie of my time before, it is still one of those controversial topics. Many people say that with someone you have just met or even a good friend of yours, there are two things that one should not discuss. Politics and religion. That expression has been about for many, many years but in today's society with its ever changing economy and financial difficulties its hard not to discuss politics with someone due to the current government and their choices to regulate the economy. It is also hard not to discuss religion once you get onto the topic of economy and the government because of the war in Iraq. These two subjects are very controversial and rarely used as an opening subject, however, why has sex become so secretive and hidden as well?

Ones sex life as many would be uncomfortable discussing because it is a private matter, is still a natural thing. It's a simple, intimate, and completely sensual act. When you first meet someone I do not expect you to waltz up and introduce yourself with "Hello, my name is ***** and my favorite position is doggy style." No. Not that exactly. But especially with at least children or teens today it is such a hushed subject. In school we are rarely truly educated on the subject and the precautions needed for protection and many of teenagers, especially young girls, are fearful to go to their parents for help or guidance. I can personally speak with that I am 17, I am not a virgin and have been "sexually active" for a year, and am still fearful of my parents, or even my mum finding out. I realize posting this on my blog is not the smartest idea because there is a way of my mum or dad reading this, though that is highly unlikely. The only thing I would like to ask you is that why are we in today's society, unless you are in your thirties in which the magazines such as Glamour and Cosmo etc. say it is acceptable to broadcast your sex life, so sheltered? We have the media encouraging it with TV shows, music with artists like Christina Agularea and Britney Spears, and magazines giving you how-to's.

The things we need to know we can get online, we can confide in our friends about relationship problems and no longer need the "mother daughter" talk in order to have sex. There are teenagers who can be pregnant, have an abortion, and their parents would never know. Things that would have been disgraceful 50 years ago is now alright and a typical aspect of a teenagers life. There are girls who are having intercourse when they are 14 or even younger. There are TV shows on MTV about being 16 and pregnant. Despite it being such an everyday thing and in correspondence to having "16 and Pregnant" on MTV they also have "Sex with Mom and Dad" on that channel encouraging teens to talk to their parents. I personally could not imagine having that "sit down" with my mum as much as I would like to I just feel as though it would terribly awkward and we would just not be the same due to the time that has lapsed between my contemplation of it and the act itself, and the time from then to now. As much as sex is an open topic within society, within house holds an even the relationships, it is still such an uncomfortable, controversial topic.
So to conclude, I am not saying that sex is as controversial as politics or religion unless you are discussing sex as in gender and the science being used today in order for you to be capable of choosing the sex of your child, or the ever so controversial topic of same sex marriage, but just that sex is OK, it is natural, and it is something that if something were to go wrong with, it is best to have your parents know and be on your side. So this is just to all those girls out there who are contemplating it or indulging it in, be open about it. Your parents could in some instances help.



Quote for this post: "A woman's appetite is twice that of a man's; her sexual desire, four times; her intelligence, eight times"

Love. . .

Song to this post: "Love Remains the same" Gavin Rossdale

I know how majority of people wonder what love is. That there is no one term or definition to define love, that it's just something you feel and know straight away. In the movie "Dan in Real Life" the boyfriend says that "Love isn't a feeling, it's an ability". If that's true then do you need to be super talented to love? And then if so there are the people who say that everyone has someone out there who loves them, so then everyone is talented in love? I understand that I'm young and that my perception of love is different than that of someone who is 80 years old, but does age change your interpretation and knowledge of love? When you're young are you not really experiencing love but just a very strong, intense, infatuation? Do we as children or people of a younger age desire "love" so much just because we have seen it in movies and heard of its wonders; leading us to, in our minds, create love for another person? Do we simply mistake infatuation and lust for love just because we want love? If that is not the case and we are capable of feeling love at any age, then why does love rarely work out when we are younger; was that then not love? You can be so involved with a person emotionally and physically and mentally that you imagine this euphoria of love. That even years after their departure from your relationship aspect of life, when you see them and talk to them, you fall for them all over again. If someone treats you horribly emotionally and not how you deserve, yet you still want to be with them and am still convinced its love, then is it? I suppose the ultimate question is what is love? Some say that "love is the souls recognition of its counterpart in another", others say that love is loss; such as Goncourt, "Today I begin to understand what love must be, if it exists... When we are parted, we each feel the lack of the other half of ourselves. We are incomplete like a book in two volumes of which the first has been lost. That is what I imagine love to be: incompleteness in absence." With each definition and quote, with every book and movie, with each relationship and heartbreak, does love change? Is love to forever be just a word used to describe a situation amongst two people and that love is not a thing, but an ever changing, never ending, list of possibilities? Love is different to everyone, it can be the smell of an old book, the sound of rain, the wind in your hair or even mums spaghetti, but I suppose the real definition to love is this: "Love is not feeling, it's an experience."

new post

So I'm sitting here pondering as to what to write for this post. I could write about life and its troubles, could write about society and its conformist tendency's, could write about the inevitable heartbreak of love and its great pleasures and its partner pain, but what about a positive post? How about one that makes the reader smile or laugh or even, if they're not very humorous people, make the corners of their mouths crease upwards? That sounds uplifting, enjoyable, a good read. Now if I could only find something to do that. We could discuss politics which my friend Bryan constantly bugs me about, my views could possibly make a conservative laugh due to my "stupidity" of being a libertarian. We could discuss music and the lack of original lyrics in todays pop culture, example, Britney Spears and her new song "3" about, as you can probably tell, threesomes and even foursomes. We could discuss the great holiday cheer and christmas spirit, the eggnog and gingerbread houses, the snow and cold, shivering, frostbitten air. But we won't. Because as you all hopefully know whom are reading this I live in New Zealand. None of that is here. No cold, no snow, no eggnog, no gingerbread houses, and least of all holiday cheer. Unless that conists of bickering parents and fights and disgust? Then no, none of that. But that is neither positive nor uplifting, so new topic. Ok how about some funny videos from youtube? Always a hit on these blog things right?!
Baby doing the Stanky Leg dance:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QkzXt9ZTwEE
Possesed Cat:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AdVWQsE-8gM
Pixar Intro. Parody:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FFK_XuVqsCQ&feature=sub

Enjoy!

Attached

Song to this post: "Break Away" Kelly Clarkson

Some say that attaching yourself to someone can be a good thing. That wanting something so badly and so enormously is healthy for us and helps us grow. But what about the pain that comes with it? What about the strings tied to us and the pull that we can't resist? When we want something that badly we forget about what is right for us and what we deserve and go for what we want. We rarely question it and hardly ever accept the negatives and what it would be like to have those strings cut. Are we so masochistic that we put ourselves in the position to get hurt from the people we are attached to? Do we subconsciously enjoy the pain that we receive from it? Further more, how are we to determine if the pain we feel is just a growing pain, or if it's the real pain? Are we to forever be attached to someone and ignore the pain or mistake it for knowledge? Whatever is the reason or outcome or result or what have you, the answer is the same. Pain is pain. It hurts, it sucks, and we have to live with it. The strings never break and the attachments always there. Never to fully move on, never to forget, and impossible to remove the scars. Is it ever possible for us to break those cords, and just divulge ourselves in the pain, in hopes that we have rid ourselves of its source? No. The pain remains like an everlasting sunburn, the ache echoes like a throbbing limb, and the heartbreak doesn't break even.

Quote to this post: "I'm not supposed to love you, I'm not supposed to care, I'm not supposed to live my life wishing you were there. I'm not supposed to wonder where you are or what you do . . .I'm sorry I can't help myself. I'm in love with you."

Live

Song to this post: "Fickle Cycle" Animal Collective

We take breathing for granted. If we took the time to really feel how taking a deep breath feels, everyone would be so much calmer. Just that sense of freedom, of realease, of free thought. One thought is just a thing amongst a pile. I don't know whats in that pile. It just builds and expands and tumbles. Little fish and crabs just wondering around. The mind is just like an ocean. So many different things just there. Doing their thing. Floating along. Like the other day I was studying and I put my feet in the pool. Then went up to knees. Then I put my hands, then my elbows, then all the way up and touched my nose to the water. But not actually going in fully, just sitting there playing with the water half in half not. Just. . . like a kid, like I was 6. When you were 6 everything was innocent and real, where as now we are flooded with the good and bad and reality. But what is good and bad? I mean is there ever really bad? Bad is just a concept and a perception of a person and their beliefs, but that doesn't mean that there are things that are overall bad. It just comes down to beliefs and people in their minds. That's society and good and bad. Just perception. No norms, no rules, no laws. There is no norm. There can't be norms. Cuz everything is a norm to someone. There is no good or bad or common or anything. It's just beliefs and people. I live by one law and one alone. The law of myself. Whatever that may be. Just me and what I think is right, wrong, acceptable, and law like. I mean the law of freedom. Life is a journey to freedom and self discovery. Life is all about freedom and discovery. Just live. No regrets. No looking back and no reservations.

Quote to this post: "There are two ways to live: you can live as if nothing is a miracle; you can live as if everything is a miracle" Albert Einstein.

Now

Song to this Blog: "Drunk Again" Reel Big Fish

Wow. I love finding songs that say the things you want to, saving you the trouble. Such as at this moment it's "Drunk again" by Reel Big Fish. The verses not necessarily the chorus. So that's the song to this post and no need for a quote cuz it'll just be lyrics :)

Awoken

Song to this blog: "First Day of My Life" Bright Eyes

I went to a Lightning Bolt concert last night, and somewhere between the mosh pit of people, the insanely loud music and the desperate search for sturdy footing in order to not take out the drummer and his entire set, I found myself awake. There was a moment amongst all the chaos where it was just me in my own mind. No thoughts, no noise, no judging or fear, just simple, ole, me. Through the three hours of mind blowing music and ear piercing guitar I realized I did not think. For that entire time I was completely free. When I left I felt exhilarated and alive and just, for the first time in my life, absolutely free. Free from the heartache, the disappointment, and the constant confusion of my life. When I awoke this morning there was the ringing in my ears and the numbness in my brain, but a beautiful realization into the world. Yes, it is fucked up. Yes, it is insane. and Yes, there is heartbreak and disappointment, but somewhere between using all my strength to push 70 insane people behind me back, and grabbing some guys hand from attempting to go up my shirt then down my pants, I let go. Hoping this is a real change, and that I really have awoken to the world and its wonders, but how are we to know? How are we to know if we are awake, and if not, how do we wake up? I'm not certain of these answers, but for once in my life, I feel as though I can go in search of them and not be afraid to find out the answers.

Quote to this blog: "A single event can awaken within us a stranger totally unknown to us. To live is to be slowly born."

Happiness

So i realized I want it. I want it all, I want the family, the house the kids everything. I want to find that one person who makes everything worthwhile. The one person who's there no matter what. The person who doesn't just want you when you look good but wants you when you're crying, when you're sick even when you still have last nights makeup on and your hair is just a blob ontop your head. Someone who loves you for you, someone who can't help but smile when they see you. I want that. The dream. What every wants. I never used to want kids, atleast not to have them, but now I want one of my own. I know i'm young and i'm not saying to do this anytime soon, but I just do. I suppose my mind will change. It may as i get older, my views will differ and my opinions will strain. I want the poetry, the romance the adventure and the honesty. But for now I want the truth. I want to be happy.

Settling

Song to this blog: "The sound of settling" Death Cab for Cutie

Why do we settle? When we're young we have this ideal fantasy in mind as to what we want in a person, yet as we grow older and our chances of meeting that person grow slimmer, we end up settling. We settle because we either like them and want what we want, no matter if it's less than what we deserve, or because we feel as though we may never find what it is we deserve so we go for what we can get. Is there ever the opportunity to have what we deserve, or to have our ideal person? We settle for people who don't exactly fit what we want or what we need, we settle for second best for ourselves when if we waited or worked a little more we could get first. We lower ourselves to fit this more realistic image of what people want, lowering our standards and what we're willing to deal with for love. I myself have done it and i know plenty of other people who have, but even when we're fully aware that we're not meeting our own ideal standards, we still don't change. People enjoy too much the feel of having someone want them and not having to be alone so much that they settle for them just for that feeling of being wanted. We as humans are terrified of being completely alone. But how are we to change from want to be wanted? To want to have what we deserve?

Quote for this Blog: "I've always believed the greater danger is not aiming too high, but too low, settling for a bogey, rather than aiming for an eagle." Peter Scott.

A moving world revolving around a stationary object. . .

Song to this blog: "It takes some time", Catch 22

So I had another one of those moments today. I was sitting in a Chinese restaurant with my parents, the kinds of restaurants where they walk around with trolleys and you order off of them, and I just sort of blanked. I was sitting there, amongst this mass of people and movement and talking, and I froze. I sat staring at my plate. It was like a montage of my life and I was just seeing it from someone else's' perspective. As if none of this was actually happening, or that it was but just in fast forward around me as I'm staying slow. A huge rush of fear, and sadness and screaming ran through me all at once. I wanted to move or to yell or to cry but couldn't do anything. It was numbing. I eventually snapped out of it but still had this feeling in me. This is not the first time this has happened, where I feel as though life is moving around me and I'm still staying in one place, but just not this dramatic. I'm not sure what this means, or what will happen due to this, but all I can say is that now I feel even more lost than I did before, this feeling of everyone going on with their life and enjoying it, while I'm stuck in the same place, doing the same thing, and just cannot snap out of it.

Quote of this blog:
"There are three types of men; the retrograde, the stationary and the progressive."

recent books

so I officially started my summer reading list and what it is i would like to accomplish. some of them are the typical juvenile easy reads just for the entertainment, however, i am branching out more. I want to read the second book by Dave Eggers, I would like to continue books by Augustin Burroughs ( he is an amazing author) but some new books I want to get a feel for are:

• Mark Twain, Mississippi Writings
• Charles Dickens, Great Expectations
• Ian McEwan, Saturday
• Kurt Vonnegut, Slaughterhouse five
• Ernest Hemmingway, For Whom the Bells Toll
• Oscar Wilde, The Picture of Dorian Gray
• Albert Camus, The Stranger

So far this is my list. I want to venture back to the classics and hopefully expand my literary compass. Feel free to recommend books that you have read and particularly like.

I got my feet on the ground but my heads in the clouds. . .

give too much, recieve too little.
looking at your life, standing in the middle.

burning bridges as they come,
meeting people but only remembering some.

questions unanswered and lies being told,
discussing your future as it all unfolds.

uncertainty grips you as you think of who you are,
wanting to run away, just run so far.

experimenting and exciting, the thrill grips you,
trying things you know you shouldn't do.

lost in this world as it rushes past you,
standing in the middle of a crowd waiting for your cue.

screaming inside to find yourself, to leave this life behind,
waiting on people, waiting on yourself, for things you'll never find.

daydreams and make beliveve, fill my time in this world,
questions wanting answers, wanting questions, being hurled.

aceepting this life, or trying to change it,
feeling more and more alone, bit by small bit.

crumbling down into myself, in search for answers,
escaping from my thoughts, my feelings, and their advancers.

never being good enough or what people want,
images of a better life and confessions that haunt.

playing for keeps with yourself, and yourself alone,
never being able to find someone, or someplace to call home.

the clouds drifts by and the sun floats away,
showing us that its the end of another meaningless day.

the darkness engulfs us, and it spreads around,
blinding our sights, and blurring the sounds.

falling again, and loosing my state of mind,
lost the memorable people, the ones few, but kind.

Rain

As the rain pours down outside I cannot help but laugh at the irony. Clouds hold in their rain and wait and wait, trying to pro-long it as long as possible but eventually have to burst. I feel like we have a similar life to clouds. For example:

The rain.
The rain is held in making the cloud grow grey and dark, luminous over the area it is above. The cloud sets a mood around it that of negativity and, my mother’s favorite word to describe this weather, miserable. Miserable is such a good word for this weather. You feel sad and gloomy when it’s raining. You want to sit at home with a good book and a hot chocolate and just bask in the terrible weather outside while you are safe inside. Inside you are secure from all the misery outside.
We do this in life. If there’s a problem we try and find a safe spot in order to avoid it, in order to stay safe and not be hurt. But what happens if the rain gets inside, and you now have a small leak?

The water cycle.
For most of you, you know how the water cycle works, its ups and downs and transformations. The same as we have. Evaporation is us gathering up our feelings, condensation is the beginning of our collection and holding it up giving off this illusion that every thing is fine and puffy and simple. Then, one day, out of the blue (excuse my pun) you can burst. Some weather men can’t even predict these things. Well in case you didn’t know this is precipitation. The releasing of the rain onto everyone else and showering us with its problems. So then what happens to ones who got drenched with our rain?

The burst, precipitation.
This one can be the most dangerous. Rain can result in floods, landslides, and terrible greif. So is it better to have a constant drizzle of rain every day for the rest of our lives, or have one huge burst destroying things and prospects, but then be ok until the next one? Whether it’s the huge burst or the slight drizzle, either way we have to have some way of release. We need to vent to ramble to go on and on and on about things sometimes otherwise we rain and we pour cats and dogs and then inevitably, continue on this “water cycle” all our lives. Is there another solution to this? There has to be something more to our lives than waiting for the storm to come and then waiting for it to pass. Some say life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass, some say it’s about learning to dance in the rain. But what if you can’t find the rainbow at the end? What if there is no rainbow.
This thought alone scares us into holding in and turning into this dark cloud amongst all the blue in the sky. This thought of hurt and insecurity is the terrifying truth that we have to face. Why are we so afraid of getting hurt? We have this preconceived notion that hurt is this terrible thing, that you can never fully recover and can go all your life with this pain. Maybe that’s true. Maybe you never really get over things, but either way it’s better to face them and know the “truth” behind it (I put truth in quotation marks because, as said in my last post, there is no real truth). Would you rather go your whole life thinking everything is fine, only to find out it’s not, and then have to deal with that pain? Or would you rather just be oblivious to it, and be happy with what you think it is, just to avoid getting hurt? I feel as though this is the crucial fact of the matter that we need to know. This is the essence of our being. We have to go through these things. We have to burn bridges in order to make new ones where the old one laid. We have to go through pain in order to come out stronger than before. We have to be hurt time and time again in order to recognize problems and know how to deal with them. But why is this necessary? Why can’t it just be simple as Disney has made it seem. We have grown up with this thought of fairy tales and happily ever after, which of course is Hallmark and Disney’s fault. But this rant about what is wrong with our children’s childhoods and planting these fake hopes in their heads, is a different blog for a different time.
So ultimately, can we stop this water cycle of emotions, or is it bad to go against nature?

The Cycle

I suppose its better not to know things.
If you're kept out of it then you can't get hurt and you can't be disappointed.

Disappointment. Such a simple yet terrifying thing.
One can earn disappointment or disappointment can be thrust upon them.
In any way, one will still experience it.

You can be disappointed when something ends, when something begins, or when something changes.
Change is the greatest disappointment.

Change is never what you expect or what you want.
Some would argue that its unpredictability is its beauty.
I argue that they're idiots.

However, as we all know, change is inevitable.
Change is the bus running late and walking to work.
Change is loosing your job or breaking up.
Change can even be as small as a different brand of shampoo.
No matter the change that takes place, we still are uncomfortable, even if only for seconds, with change.

Uncomfortable is an itchy sock on a hot day.
Uncomfortable is plumbers butt.
Uncomfortable are the words you want to think of, but not hear.
Uncomfortable is the truth.

The truth is. . . .well there is no truth.
There is the perception of truth and the "honest answer", but not yet truth.
Truth is true love.
Truth is seeing your baby for the first time.
Truth is the perfect day.

Perfect.
Perfection is ones image of his or her life as it should be.
Perfection is a cold beer on a hot day.
Perfection is the first laugh, steps, and words spoken.
Perfection is ever changing.
Perfection as a whole is disappointing. For there is no perfection.

Realizing the already realized

Song to this blog: Only ones who know, Arctic Monkeys

So i've realized that you are never going to get exactly what it is that you want. Majority of the time you're not even going to get anything close to it. You are forever to wonder and want and aim aimlessly at it, without ever reaching it or hitting your target. But why after so long do we still attempt to get it? Why are we still trying for something that we know we cannot have and may never be able to have, yet we continue to push it and try so hard for it? I suppose it goes to that saying that we want what we can't have, and how very true that saying is. When we can't have something we strive to have it just because we're told we can't, which taps in to the rebel in all of us, and because we want to be able to prove someone wrong. Even after these attempts and fails, attempts and fails, etc. etc. How and when do we realize that we have to just give up at some point? When is it that people are going to recognize that it will not work out and they will not succeed at it? But why can't we? We are raised believing that we can do anything we set our mind to. Anything. Yet there are countless times in life when we cannot do anything. We cannot force someone to love us, we cannot make peace with the world and stop war forever, we cannot control peoples thoughts and how they act towards one another. There are things we cannot do, yet we still strive for them so desperately, still believeing we can do it due to our adolescant teachings. Yet when you do realize what it is you already know, such as something never going to happen, how are we to deal with it? How are we to deal with defeat and, put simply, failure?

Quote of the blog:
"Success is a process more than a realization."

Bad boys? or bad for you?

Song to this Blog: "Bad Boy" Cascada

So we all know the quintessential bad boy. The Grease guys with the leather jackets and the slicked back hair, the cigarettes the alcohol the whole persona of a bad boy. But then why are we still attracted to the modern day bad boy just because he, well what we think is, still the classic bad boy. Bad boys now-a-days aren't the same as in the movies. We have the ones with the leather and the wanna be classic bad boys, but then we also now have the real trouble ones with the drugs and the drinking and the smoking and everything, but why do we still find them attractive? Why do we crave for that change, for that danger and adventure, and how do they become those people that we want to be with? I've always been attracted to the bad boys, the ones that are no good and are the "stay away from them, they're bad news" as our mothers would say. I like the danger and the risk, the possibility of getting into a bad situation. I understand that sounds bad and i never put myself in bad situations, I'm smarter than that, but i like having that possibility. I like their "fuck it all" attitudes. I suppose that's it. We like how they don't care, we like the possibility that because they don't care so much, we hope, maybe just maybe, we'll be the ones to change that. We like having a challenge, we like the challenge and the possibility of making someone like them . . . good or at least just to fall for us. So i guess the question is are they really "Bad Boys" or are they just "Bad for Us"?

Quote to this blog:
"I want a Bad Boy in public, and a pussy cat at home!"
-Christina Aguilera

Open like a book, or through the pages we weep. . .

Song to this blog : "Better Alone" by Carolina Liar

So as i mentioned in my introduction paragraph i have a problem trusting people. I don't open up to everyone, anyone really.  I tell my friends things, personal things, but things like feelings or certain evernts i leave out because i don't know how by telling someone that's going to help me.  Why do people think that by letting them in and showing them who you "really are", that its going to make your life better or easier or that they can help? Because they can't. By opening up you're not allowing someone to help you, you're setting yourself up for hurt.  By letting people in you give them the ammunition they need to one day use it against you. By opening yourself up and letting them "read you like a book" it's not helping you and its only burdening them.  I understand that this sounds silly and as if i have no idea what i'm talking about, but from my experience, through trusting everyone, you only set yourself up for disapointment and heartache.  What happens when you let someone in, when you tell them everything and then when you need them, theyr'e not there? Then you're left with nothing and no one again, yet now you know think that by opening up your scaring people away. In my last relationship things ended badly partly beacuse of my incapability to open up to him. Because i couldn't tell him exactly how i felt, i wouldn't let him in on my past and things that have happened because i was afraid he would judge me and then no longer like me. I was afraid that by opening up when things ended, if they ended badly, he would use them against me, and the things would be so personal and real that they would destroy me. This then leads to recent events taking place with someone i'm friends with and how i don't let him know me. He's right though. I complained how i knew so much about him but yet he knew nothing about me. I thought it was him not trying enough or just not caring to know but the truth was i didn't let him know. I didn't let him find out about me. I guess 've always believed that expression "the walls around my heart aren't built to keep people out, but to find the one person who's brave enough to tear them down." I suppose everyones looking for that someone. Someone who you don't need to have to let in, but just will. Someone who you unconiously just open up to and spill your soul too. I realized with this last guy, who i just refered to, that i had been gradually doing it all along. I had told him things about me that other people didn't know and i thought it was because he didn't know anyone. He didn't know any of my friends, he didn't go to my school, he was older so i thought he wouldn't judge me and because of these things i opened up because i knew that even if things ended badly he would tell his friends sure, but i wouldn't hear it about it. I wouldn't have everyone in school knowing. So as much as that is part of the reason for me opening up to him, i suppose i also did because well. . . . I do trust him. And that statement alone, that trust that i just said, terrifies me, but at the same time, thrills me. So i'm not sure if it's good or bad to open to people, to be open like a book, or through doing so, through the pages we weep, but i do know that i have to try atleast, that i can't keep people out forever because eventually they'll just give up trying to get in and then i really am left with no one . . .

Quote to this blog :
"And he goes through life, with his mouth open, and his mind closed."
Oscar Wilde.

Shots of New Zealand

I apologize that these pictures are poor quality, my camera is not exactly the greatest. If i attempt to take a picture without the flash on every comes out blue. Will be getting a new one soon.

Saw this car while having a drink in St. Heliers. I thought it was just so ugly, probably a japanese car. This is a shot taken on the beach down in Kohimarama while the sun was setting.
This shot was taken in St. Heliers during the day time.

A shot of palm trees. Don't know why i just think they make it seem more tropical.

A picture looking out across the water at Rangitoto.

This picture was taken on the street in a little town called Parnel. Not sure where they had came from. I just thought it was a lovely shot. This shot is looking across the beach to the side of a restaurant located in Kohimarama..

"Family Time"

Song to this Blog: "Break Away" Kelly Clarkson

So we all know how at a certain point parents begin to think that they are "loosing" their children, and therefor try to. . . reil us back in if you will. But what happens when it gets to the point where they want to go out in public with you or shopping for things you should be shopping for with friends? How do you say no to seeing a movie on a friday night at a theatre you know everyones going to be at? I mean i feel bad that they need this sense of closeness to us that they try to do "Fun family activities" like, and this is my dads idea of a good time, going to countless war museums no one wants to go to. Going to parks or volcanoes when no one is in the appropriate footware. Going out to grab a beer at a place where people will recognize me. It sounds mean, but I am no longer at the age where i want to be seen some where with my parents doing something i should be doing with other people. And then when you say no to going out to dinner with them because you would just rather stay home and have a quiet night, they do the sad face and try to guilt you into it, or, in my dads case, it needs to get to the point where we get into an argument about it and he gets mad and then all of sudden doesn't want to go. At what point in a parents life do they realize that we are no longer 6 and can just be carted around anywhere whenever and be ok with it? When will parents realize that "family time" is now simply social suicide.

Quote of this Blog:
"moving on, is a simple thing, what it leaves behind is hard."

Fuck Promises.

Song to this blog "Into the sunshine" by Julia Nunes

So todays absolutely thrilling events include:

• sitting around the house on my computer
• unpacking box after box in my new house
• getting into argument with this guy (whom i have previously mentioned) and realizing he is an asshole and that makes me an idiot for ever liking him in the first place
• And then last but not least, taking the most relaxing and scolding hot bath in the world that has now made my entire house smell of lavender thanks to bath salts and bubbles.

Now after all these amazingly eventful and some completely heart wrenching events took place, i decided to watch a movie, one of which i had not seen in forever. The Aristocats. An amazing movie which makes me realize that happy endings are possible. But only if you live in France and have a really nice house with a lot of money. Oh and you have to be gorgeous.
So yes these were the thrilling things that i did today, yet through all this and all the furious amounts of tears cried over this pathetic guy who isn't worth my time yet i can't seem to get over him, i still don't feel any different. It's weird. I've been here roughly 3 months, 3 months! and i still feel, well almost numb. I'm not happy or excited, I'm not angry or frustrated, i don't feel anything. The only emotion i do feel is sad and home sick. I mean this is horrible because this is where i am now and i can't change that, but still. I keep thinking that this is just a vacation and I'll go back home, even though I've started school and moved into the house, i just feel as though I'm simply going through the motions. Nothing has struck a chord. I'm listening to really off music like Dj Screw and Arab on Radar, which i would never listen to normally. I'm tired and bored and I back talk my parents a lot (which is almost normal) and i hate my dad. I mean i honestly hate him. He left a job he had been working for for 25 years for a lower position with less money, around the world and the only goddamn reason he gives me is because its an "adventure".

Love doesn't exist

Maybe there is no such thing as love. Maybe we created love just so that we feel something. So that we feel connected to something in this otherwise unfeeling and unmoving world. Perhaps what you feel towards someone is nothing more than a want to be liked. A want to feel a closeness to someone so that you know you're not alone in this world. Life has a way of making you think that it's love. Making you believe that you could be that completely happy with your life and with another person, and then making it dissapointing when you find out that you will never have that rock in life. That one stable aspect in the universe that makes you content with everything. No one will ever be completely happy. Not once. Whether its love, life, or just the entirety of the universe, something will make your heart break. Something will remind you that love, that fictitious thing, doesn't exist for anything other than more unpleasentries and unhappiness. The fact of the matter is. Love doesn't exist.

Bridget Jones 'aint got nothin on me

So fascinating events taking place at the moment. I will go all bridget jones on you and list them. For my entertainment not yours.

• Time spent on my computer: roughly 5 hours
• Time spent indulging in pointless conversations: roughly 4 hours
• Time spent being freaked out and confused about an ex: roughly 6 hours
• Time spent talking to my estranged lover about food: roughly 2 hours
• Pages read in Fast Food Nation: 56
• Movies watched: The Hangover
• Number of phonecalls: none. not even from my mother
• Number of texts: none.
• Time spent contemplating this blog and whether or not its worth it to continue considerng no one reads it: roughly 20 minutes.
• Time spent feeling stupid for caring about whether or not people read it: roughly 40 minutes.
• Bands listened to during this time: Lily Allen, Spoon, Black Eyed Peas, Ida Maria, The Kooks, Brand New and The Zombies
• Food eaten: Hawaiin Burger. Chips. Pizza Snacks. One Afghan Cookie.
• Beverages: 1 1/2 glasses of coke.

Finally realizing that i am leading a rather pathetic life at the moment and will not be any more thrilling once exams start in 2 weeks: Priceless.

Favorite Youtube artist ever

Julian Nunes is the greatest thing since. . . . pie. so go listen to her and buy her CD. Because she is going to hit it big soon and you can say you knew her way back when.


http://www.youtube.com/profile?user=jaaaaaaa#play/uploads/66/X0rm853iYYg

First Impressions Lyircs.
I’ve gotten used to being introduced.
“Hello. What’s your name? How are you?”
They see my smile, my laugh, and the hurt behind my eyes.
Loss is not so easily disguised.
I’ll try my best to keep on with my sunny disposition.
But I close my eyes and end up reminiscing.
So save me from waking up tonight.
Save me from waking up tonight.
Cause I toss and I turn and it doesn’t feel right.
Save me from waking up tonight.
Left to my own devices,I’d stay up till 3 am.
Spend the whole day barely awake, and then do it all again.
Cause my dreams are filled with pleasantries that make me think you’re here with me.
They won’t let my poor heart mend.
I have tried my darnedest to continue smiling wide, but I miss you and that’s something I can’t hide.
So save me from waking up tonight.
Please, save me from waking up tonight.
I thought I was fine, but it looks as if I might not make it through the night.
So save me from waking up tonight.
Please, save me from waking up tonight.
Cause I toss and I turn and it doesn’t feel right.
Please, save me from waking up tonight

grief is immortal

Some say that time is what decreases pain or sorrow. But i find that hard to believe. If you are truly hurt about something that has happened or about how things have turned out in your life, then you will always feel that grief and remorse, you simply learn to close it off. If you loose someone you love and there's nothing you can do about it then of course you're going to be hurt, you will cry and mope and sob all the time, but gradually you won't anymore. This isn't because you are over it or because time has rendered you unfeeling towards it, its because it has hurt too much that your heart blocks off those feelings in order for you to move on. You will look back on them and memories will rush into your mind and you may feel a tinge of sorrow, however, you will not be flooded with emotion. Why is it that your heart makes you forget or makes you hard against those memories? When i left the person I loved I didn't ever want to forget them, i still don't. I want to feel that pain when i think of them because that pain, that hint of sadness and hurt that you feel, reminds me that I'm alive and that i will care about that person, and reminds me that i did in fact truly love them. I hate thinking about what it will be like when my heart finally decides to close its doors on him. I hate thinking that one day i may wake up and look back and have regrets or feel silly for making such a big deal over something that is so small in comparison to the rest of the world. I don't ever want to forget him or what i feel for him because even though it hurts to think of him and what we had and the fact that its gone, it goes to that saying "It's better to have loved and lost, then to never have loved at all." I want this pain in my heart that i feel when i think of him because then i really understand that i did love him, and that he will always have a piece of my heart, and that that is why it hurts so much. Because that piece is missing. So as for thinking that time is the cure for grief, its not. Grief is in fact. Immortal.

Drinking at 17

so in New Zealand the legal drinking age is 18. well the fantastic thing about looking older than my age is that people do not feel the need to I.D. me. now i do not drink a lot maybe an occasional beer out with friends (not the binge drinking scenario). The humerous thing about this though, is that my brother, who still lives in the states, is turning 21 in january, well i will be allowed to legaly drink approximately 6 months after him. This pisses him off sooooo much. however, personaly i find it hysterical. (karma for all the things he used to do to me as a kid) so this post right here is just a CHEERS! to all the people drinking tonight, whether at a party, or simply at home watching a movie and having a nice cold corona, i raise my, well at this moment, non existant glass at you! TO BEER!

New Zealand News

so you finally realize how small and well, kinda pathetic New Zealand is, when the only main topic of news, on the national news, is the fight between chocolate brands. "oh well let's just grab another cup of coffee and dispute this HUGE CRISIS! who will win the battle? you will find out, tonight at ten." that ladies and gentlemen, is the large argument taking place in this beautiful, small, remote, and ever so slightly pathetic country. god save me now!

window watcher

ok so i will admit it. but i am a people watcher. you see the houses surrounding my apartment are very close together, which makes it quite easy to just see other people in their houses, and kinda creepily watch them. i do realize this sounds rather like a stalker, and yes i do kinda believe i am then, but anyways, as i sit here waiting for one of my favorite shows to come on, i look out the window to my left and see a man making odd body gestures, it looks to me as if he's practicing tennis or so, without a racket or the wii, or any sort of equipment. to me it was quite entertaining just sitting here for a good 15 minutes or so watching this man in his late 30's, flailing around his apartment, then would get frustrated, jump up and down yelling (or so i would imagine by his body gestures, though i cannot hear him). and then he would simply continue with his "workout". he is gone now, however, i do believe that within the next 30 minutes or so he will be back. i will keep you posted as to whether this amounts to anything or not.

pessimistic optimist?

ok so i do realize that many of you have either heard this before, used it yourself, have absolutely no idea what it means, or are just briefly understand its principals. well i myself am, oddly enough, a pessimistic optimist. because despite how perky and upbeat i can be and generally am, i do in fact always have that doubt about my situations or actions. even if it is something that i have come up with to do, i will, more typically than not, attempt to talk others out of it, in fear of it being stupid, lame, dangerous, or just plain horrendous and not going to work at all. i doubt myself a lot, and this has made some aspects of my life worse through relationships, friendships, and even as simply as school. however, i believe also that through my optimism and highly perky nature, that i can and do quite often as of lately, choose to be optimistic. granted all one can hope for is for good things to happen in such a crappy situation as i have previously spoke about. my general ficade is that i am a happy, go-lucky person. this can be good or bad dependant on the situation. i mean i love being happy 83% of the time, however this also makes it problematic because then people do not think of me as ever being able to be upset, and if so then how are they to know? well. typically they don't. you see i'm always there for my friends whether its 3 in the morning or 1 in the afternoon, i will always be there for a shoulder to cry on and a hand to grad a bottle and smack the jerk over the head who broke her heart. but then comes the problem when i'm hurt is that i do not like to talk about my "feelings". its never been an issue for me and in recent events such as the move, one break up, one really hard good-bye, and then good-bye to all my friends, i do not have anyone to turn to to comfort me. i only have me. i mean my sisters here with me for only another month, but she's so wrapped up in her own long distance relationship and how hard it is and how she misses them. but you see she's only gone for a month. i'm gone for good and have the same problems as her. but all she does is sit in her room, go on her laptop, and emerge when its dinner. that's the support i have here. i realize that this may come across as complaining, and whiny, but you know what its my blog. i can complain here if i want : ). so all i'm trying to say is that when i finally have reason to get out of this apartment, i will be writing things that are confusing and probably don't make any sense to the average person reading this because it will be so two sided and confusing and for that i apologize dearly.

Video messages

ok. so this post is going to be about today, obviously, due to my title. well today i haven't really done much considering I'm not in school yet and i don't know anyone and my typically anti-social sister now has a job where she is being paid $12 an hour. lucky. but so yeah now when she's at work i am able to use her computer because mine has not yet arrived. (fingers crossed for end of the week). so this blog is about video messaging. i will openly admit my addiction to facebook. it is a horrible thing and i truly try to not be so reliable on it, but it is hard due to my recent move and no other form of connection with my American friends. so as i was saying is that i have now discovered video posts on facebook using my sisters web cam. i adore this. not only is it truly entertaining to talk to yourself, and see your self while doing it, but you get to communicate with someone in a way other than writing a wall post, which has no form of expression or personal contact. so today, i have been experimenting with video posting, with little success i might add. you see i do not know the reason for this, however, when i post a video the sound works, however, you can only see snipits of me, and it does not stream nicely and fully. (if you have any tips let me know). so i was leaving videos all over my friends walls on facebook and feeling pretty good about myself in the process. well, my reason for posting this as a blog, despite the fact that i wanted to encourage all you readers to do this yourselves, is that it had me talking to my ex. now you do not know the story with him and i will not get into full details because i do not, in case he were to read this, want him to feel awkward or violated in any way. i will leave it at us having a bad break-up and not speaking for the past few months. well, today i was speaking with him on facebook chat (also a handy tool: P ) and so this lead to me leaving a video on his wall and my previous friend karl. well apparently my ex was with karl and karl has this AMAZING thing called skype (i recommend you get it right away) well i do as well for it allows me to stay in contact with my "mancandy" back home (i put it in quotes because i do not know for sure what we are). well i was talking to him and karl on skype and it was nice because i missed talking to him. and i do realize that i sound so stereotypical girly right now all "aw i missed him and it was soo nice and omg like wow" but that is not my intention and i apologize if i do come across as that. so yeah that was really nice. and CONGRATULATIONS to his mum who is getting married this weekend!!! a big congrats goes out to her and her fiance, the lucky man who caught her eye. (treat her well she is an amazing woman!) : ). but yeah. so that's a quick note i had to add in. so i also wanted to add for all of you to check out their music that they make themselves on myspace. (my ex and Karl) i tell you this because they are playing at his mothers wedding which is incredibly sweet and a round of applause goes out to them. so check them out and to do so click here

Quotes

these are some of my favorite quotes, enjoy!

Today I begin to understand what love must be, if it exists... When we are parted, we each feel the lack of the other half of ourselves. We are incomplete like a book in two volumes of which the first has been lost. That is what I imagine love to be: incompleteness in absence.
-Goncourt

"There's no poetry between us"
Said the paper to the pen
"And I get nothing for my trouble
But the ink beneath my skin"
no poetry~ Gary Jules

"Knock on the sky and listen to the sound"

Alice came to a fork in the road. "Which road do I take?" she asked.
"Where do you want to go?" responded the Cheshire cat.
"I don't know," Alice answered.
"Then," said the cat, "it doesn't matter."
~Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland


It takes all the running you can do just to keep in the same place. ~Lewis Carroll, Through the Looking-Glass

"They say absence makes the heart grow fonder. well that's too bad because my heart can't grow anymore for you. so no absence needed."

Cute sites

some really cute sites. let me know of any more:

www.etsy.com
www.notcot.org
www.livejournal.com
www.modcloth.com
www.web100.com
www.mylifeisaverage.com
www.fmylife.com
www.tokbox.com
www.urbandictionary.com
http://www.theonion.com/content/index
http://xkcd.com/#
http://notalwaysright.com/
http://www.somethingawful.com/
http://stuffwhitepeoplelike.com/
http://www.break.com/
http://theawesomer.com/
http://www.collegehumor.com/

the intro: obviously

welcome!

so this is my blog. as you can tell. i mean i don't know how many of you are actually reading this now, or if none of you are. then OK. i suppose I'm mostly writing this for me. because well i recently moved to New Zealand from New Jersey. yeah big change i know. i have lived here before though. i have moved approximately well 1) i was born in America, New Jersey 2) moved to Holland when i was 2 3) moved to New Zealand when i was 4, but to Hamilton, 4) when i was about 7 i suppose, i moved to Kapiti, also located in New Zealand, 5) when i was about 10 i moved back to New Jersey, just to finish off the end of 4th grade. and number 6) i just moved back to New Zealand about 2 weeks ago, and am now 17. so that's my background. I'm white, Caucasian, though no one believes that because i am in fact really tan, so people often think of me as Hispanic or Filipino, however i have just about the whitest heritage. i am a bit German, British, Dutch, American (if that counts as a nationality) but yeah i think that's about it. so yeah that's my heritage. my favorite colours green. my favorite food is sushi. my favorite candy is peanut chews. my favorite flower is the orchid. my favorite movie is pulp fiction. my favorite TV show is the office (American version) i like the original one (the British one) however, i just haven't watched it enough. ummmm. I'm trying to think of what else to tell you about me. P.S. I'm going to make this blog as honest as possible to if there is anything you want to know then please feel free to ask. i will answer honestly. oh so yeah this blog is mostly going to be about cool websites I've found. recent events in my life. and advice for any of you reading this. : D I'm actually really good at advice. which you may or may not believe. but i am . so feel free to ask and i will try my best to help because, as you probably have heard before from a movie or something, if i don't know the answer i will try to find it somewhere else. but i do have a lot of life experience for only being 17. so i can most likely relate to you really well. so i guess this is my intro. i may post another one later just because I'm that bored and its currently raining so i don't really have anything else to do. so welcome! again. and enjoy my page <3