Sunday, November 29, 2009


Song to this post: "Fickle Cycle" Animal Collective

We take breathing for granted. If we took the time to really feel how taking a deep breath feels, everyone would be so much calmer. Just that sense of freedom, of realease, of free thought. One thought is just a thing amongst a pile. I don't know whats in that pile. It just builds and expands and tumbles. Little fish and crabs just wondering around. The mind is just like an ocean. So many different things just there. Doing their thing. Floating along. Like the other day I was studying and I put my feet in the pool. Then went up to knees. Then I put my hands, then my elbows, then all the way up and touched my nose to the water. But not actually going in fully, just sitting there playing with the water half in half not. Just. . . like a kid, like I was 6. When you were 6 everything was innocent and real, where as now we are flooded with the good and bad and reality. But what is good and bad? I mean is there ever really bad? Bad is just a concept and a perception of a person and their beliefs, but that doesn't mean that there are things that are overall bad. It just comes down to beliefs and people in their minds. That's society and good and bad. Just perception. No norms, no rules, no laws. There is no norm. There can't be norms. Cuz everything is a norm to someone. There is no good or bad or common or anything. It's just beliefs and people. I live by one law and one alone. The law of myself. Whatever that may be. Just me and what I think is right, wrong, acceptable, and law like. I mean the law of freedom. Life is a journey to freedom and self discovery. Life is all about freedom and discovery. Just live. No regrets. No looking back and no reservations.

Quote to this post: "There are two ways to live: you can live as if nothing is a miracle; you can live as if everything is a miracle" Albert Einstein.

Wednesday, November 25, 2009


Song to this Blog: "Drunk Again" Reel Big Fish

Wow. I love finding songs that say the things you want to, saving you the trouble. Such as at this moment it's "Drunk again" by Reel Big Fish. The verses not necessarily the chorus. So that's the song to this post and no need for a quote cuz it'll just be lyrics :)

Tuesday, November 24, 2009


Song to this blog: "First Day of My Life" Bright Eyes

I went to a Lightning Bolt concert last night, and somewhere between the mosh pit of people, the insanely loud music and the desperate search for sturdy footing in order to not take out the drummer and his entire set, I found myself awake. There was a moment amongst all the chaos where it was just me in my own mind. No thoughts, no noise, no judging or fear, just simple, ole, me. Through the three hours of mind blowing music and ear piercing guitar I realized I did not think. For that entire time I was completely free. When I left I felt exhilarated and alive and just, for the first time in my life, absolutely free. Free from the heartache, the disappointment, and the constant confusion of my life. When I awoke this morning there was the ringing in my ears and the numbness in my brain, but a beautiful realization into the world. Yes, it is fucked up. Yes, it is insane. and Yes, there is heartbreak and disappointment, but somewhere between using all my strength to push 70 insane people behind me back, and grabbing some guys hand from attempting to go up my shirt then down my pants, I let go. Hoping this is a real change, and that I really have awoken to the world and its wonders, but how are we to know? How are we to know if we are awake, and if not, how do we wake up? I'm not certain of these answers, but for once in my life, I feel as though I can go in search of them and not be afraid to find out the answers.

Quote to this blog: "A single event can awaken within us a stranger totally unknown to us. To live is to be slowly born."

Monday, November 16, 2009


So i realized I want it. I want it all, I want the family, the house the kids everything. I want to find that one person who makes everything worthwhile. The one person who's there no matter what. The person who doesn't just want you when you look good but wants you when you're crying, when you're sick even when you still have last nights makeup on and your hair is just a blob ontop your head. Someone who loves you for you, someone who can't help but smile when they see you. I want that. The dream. What every wants. I never used to want kids, atleast not to have them, but now I want one of my own. I know i'm young and i'm not saying to do this anytime soon, but I just do. I suppose my mind will change. It may as i get older, my views will differ and my opinions will strain. I want the poetry, the romance the adventure and the honesty. But for now I want the truth. I want to be happy.

Friday, November 13, 2009


Song to this blog: "The sound of settling" Death Cab for Cutie

Why do we settle? When we're young we have this ideal fantasy in mind as to what we want in a person, yet as we grow older and our chances of meeting that person grow slimmer, we end up settling. We settle because we either like them and want what we want, no matter if it's less than what we deserve, or because we feel as though we may never find what it is we deserve so we go for what we can get. Is there ever the opportunity to have what we deserve, or to have our ideal person? We settle for people who don't exactly fit what we want or what we need, we settle for second best for ourselves when if we waited or worked a little more we could get first. We lower ourselves to fit this more realistic image of what people want, lowering our standards and what we're willing to deal with for love. I myself have done it and i know plenty of other people who have, but even when we're fully aware that we're not meeting our own ideal standards, we still don't change. People enjoy too much the feel of having someone want them and not having to be alone so much that they settle for them just for that feeling of being wanted. We as humans are terrified of being completely alone. But how are we to change from want to be wanted? To want to have what we deserve?

Quote for this Blog: "I've always believed the greater danger is not aiming too high, but too low, settling for a bogey, rather than aiming for an eagle." Peter Scott.

Saturday, November 7, 2009

A moving world revolving around a stationary object. . .

Song to this blog: "It takes some time", Catch 22

So I had another one of those moments today. I was sitting in a Chinese restaurant with my parents, the kinds of restaurants where they walk around with trolleys and you order off of them, and I just sort of blanked. I was sitting there, amongst this mass of people and movement and talking, and I froze. I sat staring at my plate. It was like a montage of my life and I was just seeing it from someone else's' perspective. As if none of this was actually happening, or that it was but just in fast forward around me as I'm staying slow. A huge rush of fear, and sadness and screaming ran through me all at once. I wanted to move or to yell or to cry but couldn't do anything. It was numbing. I eventually snapped out of it but still had this feeling in me. This is not the first time this has happened, where I feel as though life is moving around me and I'm still staying in one place, but just not this dramatic. I'm not sure what this means, or what will happen due to this, but all I can say is that now I feel even more lost than I did before, this feeling of everyone going on with their life and enjoying it, while I'm stuck in the same place, doing the same thing, and just cannot snap out of it.

Quote of this blog:
"There are three types of men; the retrograde, the stationary and the progressive."

Friday, November 6, 2009

recent books

so I officially started my summer reading list and what it is i would like to accomplish. some of them are the typical juvenile easy reads just for the entertainment, however, i am branching out more. I want to read the second book by Dave Eggers, I would like to continue books by Augustin Burroughs ( he is an amazing author) but some new books I want to get a feel for are:
  • Mark Twain, Mississippi Writings
  • Charles Dickens, Great Expectations
  • Ian McEwan, Saturday
  • Kurt Vonnegut, Slaughterhouse five
  • Ernest Hemmingway, For Whom the Bells Toll
  • Oscar Wilde, The Picture of Dorian Gray
  • Albert Camus, The Stranger

So far this is my list. I want to venture back to the classics and hopefully expand my literary compass. Feel free to recommend books that you have read and particularly like.

I got my feet on the ground but my heads in the clouds. . .

give too much, recieve too little.
looking at your life, standing in the middle.

burning bridges as they come,
meeting people but only remembering some.

questions unanswered and lies being told,
discussing your future as it all unfolds.

uncertainty grips you as you think of who you are,
wanting to run away, just run so far.

experimenting and exciting, the thrill grips you,
trying things you know you shouldn't do.

lost in this world as it rushes past you,
standing in the middle of a crowd waiting for your cue.

screaming inside to find yourself, to leave this life behind,
waiting on people, waiting on yourself, for things you'll never find.

daydreams and make beliveve, fill my time in this world,
questions wanting answers, wanting questions, being hurled.

aceepting this life, or trying to change it,
feeling more and more alone, bit by small bit.

crumbling down into myself, in search for answers,
escaping from my thoughts, my feelings, and their advancers.

never being good enough or what people want,
images of a better life and confessions that haunt.

playing for keeps with yourself, and yourself alone,
never being able to find someone, or someplace to call home.

the clouds drifts by and the sun floats away,
showing us that its the end of another meaningless day.

the darkness engulfs us, and it spreads around,
blinding our sights, and blurring the sounds.

falling again, and loosing my state of mind,
lost the memorable people, the ones few, but kind.

Wednesday, November 4, 2009


As the rain pours down outside I cannot help but laugh at the irony. Clouds hold in their rain and wait and wait, trying to pro-long it as long as possible but eventually have to burst. I feel like we have a similar life to clouds. For example:

The rain.
The rain is held in making the cloud grow grey and dark, luminous over the area it is above. The cloud sets a mood around it that of negativity and, my mother’s favorite word to describe this weather, miserable. Miserable is such a good word for this weather. You feel sad and gloomy when it’s raining. You want to sit at home with a good book and a hot chocolate and just bask in the terrible weather outside while you are safe inside. Inside you are secure from all the misery outside.
We do this in life. If there’s a problem we try and find a safe spot in order to avoid it, in order to stay safe and not be hurt. But what happens if the rain gets inside, and you now have a small leak?

The water cycle.
For most of you, you know how the water cycle works, its ups and downs and transformations. The same as we have. Evaporation is us gathering up our feelings, condensation is the beginning of our collection and holding it up giving off this illusion that every thing is fine and puffy and simple. Then, one day, out of the blue (excuse my pun) you can burst. Some weather men can’t even predict these things. Well in case you didn’t know this is precipitation. The releasing of the rain onto everyone else and showering us with its problems. So then what happens to ones who got drenched with our rain?

The burst, precipitation.
This one can be the most dangerous. Rain can result in floods, landslides, and terrible greif. So is it better to have a constant drizzle of rain every day for the rest of our lives, or have one huge burst destroying things and prospects, but then be ok until the next one? Whether it’s the huge burst or the slight drizzle, either way we have to have some way of release. We need to vent to ramble to go on and on and on about things sometimes otherwise we rain and we pour cats and dogs and then inevitably, continue on this “water cycle” all our lives. Is there another solution to this? There has to be something more to our lives than waiting for the storm to come and then waiting for it to pass. Some say life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass, some say it’s about learning to dance in the rain. But what if you can’t find the rainbow at the end? What if there is no rainbow.
This thought alone scares us into holding in and turning into this dark cloud amongst all the blue in the sky. This thought of hurt and insecurity is the terrifying truth that we have to face. Why are we so afraid of getting hurt? We have this preconceived notion that hurt is this terrible thing, that you can never fully recover and can go all your life with this pain. Maybe that’s true. Maybe you never really get over things, but either way it’s better to face them and know the “truth” behind it (I put truth in quotation marks because, as said in my last post, there is no real truth). Would you rather go your whole life thinking everything is fine, only to find out it’s not, and then have to deal with that pain? Or would you rather just be oblivious to it, and be happy with what you think it is, just to avoid getting hurt? I feel as though this is the crucial fact of the matter that we need to know. This is the essence of our being. We have to go through these things. We have to burn bridges in order to make new ones where the old one laid. We have to go through pain in order to come out stronger than before. We have to be hurt time and time again in order to recognize problems and know how to deal with them. But why is this necessary? Why can’t it just be simple as Disney has made it seem. We have grown up with this thought of fairy tales and happily ever after, which of course is Hallmark and Disney’s fault. But this rant about what is wrong with our children’s childhoods and planting these fake hopes in their heads, is a different blog for a different time.
So ultimately, can we stop this water cycle of emotions, or is it bad to go against nature?

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

The Cycle

I suppose its better not to know things.
If you're kept out of it then you can't get hurt and you can't be disappointed.

Disappointment. Such a simple yet terrifying thing.
One can earn disappointment or disappointment can be thrust upon them.
In any way, one will still experience it.

You can be disappointed when something ends, when something begins, or when something changes.
Change is the greatest disappointment.

Change is never what you expect or what you want.
Some would argue that its unpredictability is its beauty.
I argue that they're idiots.

However, as we all know, change is inevitable.
Change is the bus running late and walking to work.
Change is loosing your job or breaking up.
Change can even be as small as a different brand of shampoo.
No matter the change that takes place, we still are uncomfortable, even if only for seconds, with change.

Uncomfortable is an itchy sock on a hot day.
Uncomfortable is plumbers butt.
Uncomfortable are the words you want to think of, but not hear.
Uncomfortable is the truth.

The truth is. . . .well there is no truth.
There is the perception of truth and the "honest answer", but not yet truth.
Truth is true love.
Truth is seeing your baby for the first time.
Truth is the perfect day.

Perfection is ones image of his or her life as it should be.
Perfection is a cold beer on a hot day.
Perfection is the first laugh, steps, and words spoken.
Perfection is ever changing.
Perfection as a whole is disappointing. For there is no perfection.