Saturday, October 30, 2010
I'm exhausted. Not just physically but emotionally, spiritually, which ever way is possible. It's sad getting to this point. The point where i feel like the life is being sucked out of me. Where everything I do is pointless and worthless. Where even sleeping is a mission because even in my dreams it's reflecting reality. I wish were so simple sometimes. To go back to childhood memories and innocence. The times where when it was sunny the last thing you wanted to do was be inside. Where you could play all day with no worries of anything. Where when you fought with your friends you just hug, apologize and it's all sorted out. Now-a-days you don't even know who your friends are because most of them are talking behind your back about either you or another one of their "so called friends". Where you can't get a straight or honest answer out of anyone. Being a kid was so easy and care-free. Now it's all worries and money and jobs and school. It's like everything we took for granted then is everything we want now. The simplicity. The lack of sense in a way. The purity and complete freedom to be who we were. The freedom to not be judged or to judge. To just like a person and be friends with them and not have to worry about rumors or drama or two faced people who can't make up their minds about liking a person. The pure sense of happiness and joy. Just being able to smile constantly and not worry about heartbreak or loss. To just embrace life as it came as it was given. Now it's different. It's worrying about every single thing to the point of obsession. One thing that can bring us back to our innocence and days of naivety is art I suppose. Music, drawing, acting anything. Being something we're not, showing who we are or expressing ourselves without having to say a word. Through art one can come alive int themselves again. Not be exhausted with life. With worries and woes. Just be us. For the short time that we have it we can embrace ourselves. The one thing that lets us live.
Monday, October 18, 2010
School today. Had last period study mum didn't answer her phone. Made me paranoid. She always says, "One day i might drop of a heart attack and no one will even know until several hours later when you get back in from school", so after calling her cell phone 6 times and the house phone twice and I actually got a little worried. Her words rolled around in my head. Turns out she was walking the dog and hasn't checked her phone all day. Good thing she has one if she doesn't check it. Came home. Sick of New Zealand. Sick of the people and their stories and their pathetic natures. Listened to music. Joshua Radin and Sara Bareilles on repeat. Sad songs. Tears fluttered down my cheeks. Looked at the scrap books my friends made me before I left. Mum came to talk to me about dinner. Wasn't listening. Something about lamb chops today. Or tomorrow. Thought of him again. Don't know why. He just pops up sometimes. Without warning his barb wire wraps around my heart. Oh well. Shrug it off. 6:04. I can hear mum in the kitchen talking to the dog. So much for man's best friend. Don't know if dad is home tonight. Hope not. More lectures on studying. Haven't done any. Makes me cry even more to think about if I don't get into Otago or pass my exams. Not enough incentive to make me study. Strange. Smell of food wafts into the kitchen. Maybe it was just my imagination. I feel hollow here. Still. May change. May not. I suppose it's the price we pay right? Well, 6:08. Bored. Running out of things to say. May leave it on a positive note. A positive website even. I Heart this website. 6:10.
Saturday, October 16, 2010
So it was sunny today. The warmth of it hit against my back and i could feel the sweat collecting above my upper lip. The rays shone through the clouds in lines of bright auras. Felt like a happy day. Followed by happy things. Met expectations if not exceeded them. Sad how those things hit you. Highly influenced by the devil throughout the day. The risk, the scare, all of it pushed ahead. Seemed so good. Was so good. New and fresh. Combined with old and familiar. Rush of future predicaments. Push form old troubles. Realizing the small things in life and how everything we obsess about now won't matter in a few years. The touch, the feel. The things we feel inside of us are what we remember. The ones that touch us deeply and make us smile so innocently and make us blush. The ones that we want to talk to the world about. The ones that make us giddy and the ones that make us sad. The ones that tickle our fancy and the ones that make us so mad. But even in our hours of desperation we still remember those innocent times in the sun. With the heat and the rush. The devil on our backs and angels in our eyes. The moments in life that make everything okay. Those are the moments that are coming to us. The ones we want to remember forever. Perhaps forever it shall be,but a forever we won't recognize until we're old and gray. The forever of being young and reckless. Of being silly and true to ourselves. Of realizing who matters and who doesn't. The moments we want to remember and the ones we create are what will keep us young. Not our age but the heat we feel from both the world and the people we're with. Those are our moments. Those are our memories.