pessimistic optimist?

ok so i do realize that many of you have either heard this before, used it yourself, have absolutely no idea what it means, or are just briefly understand its principals. well i myself am, oddly enough, a pessimistic optimist. because despite how perky and upbeat i can be and generally am, i do in fact always have that doubt about my situations or actions. even if it is something that i have come up with to do, i will, more typically than not, attempt to talk others out of it, in fear of it being stupid, lame, dangerous, or just plain horrendous and not going to work at all. i doubt myself a lot, and this has made some aspects of my life worse through relationships, friendships, and even as simply as school. however, i believe also that through my optimism and highly perky nature, that i can and do quite often as of lately, choose to be optimistic. granted all one can hope for is for good things to happen in such a crappy situation as i have previously spoke about. my general ficade is that i am a happy, go-lucky person. this can be good or bad dependant on the situation. i mean i love being happy 83% of the time, however this also makes it problematic because then people do not think of me as ever being able to be upset, and if so then how are they to know? well. typically they don't. you see i'm always there for my friends whether its 3 in the morning or 1 in the afternoon, i will always be there for a shoulder to cry on and a hand to grad a bottle and smack the jerk over the head who broke her heart. but then comes the problem when i'm hurt is that i do not like to talk about my "feelings". its never been an issue for me and in recent events such as the move, one break up, one really hard good-bye, and then good-bye to all my friends, i do not have anyone to turn to to comfort me. i only have me. i mean my sisters here with me for only another month, but she's so wrapped up in her own long distance relationship and how hard it is and how she misses them. but you see she's only gone for a month. i'm gone for good and have the same problems as her. but all she does is sit in her room, go on her laptop, and emerge when its dinner. that's the support i have here. i realize that this may come across as complaining, and whiny, but you know what its my blog. i can complain here if i want : ). so all i'm trying to say is that when i finally have reason to get out of this apartment, i will be writing things that are confusing and probably don't make any sense to the average person reading this because it will be so two sided and confusing and for that i apologize dearly.