exhausted.

I'm exhausted. Not just physically but emotionally, spiritually, which ever way is possible. It's sad getting to this point. The point where i feel like the life is being sucked out of me. Where everything I do is pointless and worthless. Where even sleeping is a mission because even in my dreams it's reflecting reality. I wish were so simple sometimes. To go back to childhood memories and innocence. The times where when it was sunny the last thing you wanted to do was be inside. Where you could play all day with no worries of anything. Where when you fought with your friends you just hug, apologize and it's all sorted out. Now-a-days you don't even know who your friends are because most of them are talking behind your back about either you or another one of their "so called friends". Where you can't get a straight or honest answer out of anyone. Being a kid was so easy and care-free. Now it's all worries and money and jobs and school. It's like everything we took for granted then is everything we want now. The simplicity. The lack of sense in a way. The purity and complete freedom to be who we were. The freedom to not be judged or to judge. To just like a person and be friends with them and not have to worry about rumors or drama or two faced people who can't make up their minds about liking a person. The pure sense of happiness and joy. Just being able to smile constantly and not worry about heartbreak or loss. To just embrace life as it came as it was given. Now it's different. It's worrying about every single thing to the point of obsession. One thing that can bring us back to our innocence and days of naivety is art I suppose. Music, drawing, acting anything. Being something we're not, showing who we are or expressing ourselves without having to say a word. Through art one can come alive int themselves again. Not be exhausted with life. With worries and woes. Just be us. For the short time that we have it we can embrace ourselves. The one thing that lets us live.

5:59

School today. Had last period study mum didn't answer her phone. Made me paranoid. She always says, "One day i might drop of a heart attack and no one will even know until several hours later when you get back in from school", so after calling her cell phone 6 times and the house phone twice and I actually got a little worried. Her words rolled around in my head. Turns out she was walking the dog and hasn't checked her phone all day. Good thing she has one if she doesn't check it. Came home. Sick of New Zealand. Sick of the people and their stories and their pathetic natures. Listened to music. Joshua Radin and Sara Bareilles on repeat. Sad songs. Tears fluttered down my cheeks. Looked at the scrap books my friends made me before I left. Mum came to talk to me about dinner. Wasn't listening. Something about lamb chops today. Or tomorrow. Thought of him again. Don't know why. He just pops up sometimes. Without warning his barb wire wraps around my heart. Oh well. Shrug it off. 6:04. I can hear mum in the kitchen talking to the dog. So much for man's best friend. Don't know if dad is home tonight. Hope not. More lectures on studying. Haven't done any. Makes me cry even more to think about if I don't get into Otago or pass my exams. Not enough incentive to make me study. Strange. Smell of food wafts into the kitchen. Maybe it was just my imagination. I feel hollow here. Still. May change. May not. I suppose it's the price we pay right? Well, 6:08. Bored. Running out of things to say. May leave it on a positive note. A positive website even. I Heart this website. 6:10.

Forever young

So it was sunny today. The warmth of it hit against my back and i could feel the sweat collecting above my upper lip. The rays shone through the clouds in lines of bright auras. Felt like a happy day. Followed by happy things. Met expectations if not exceeded them. Sad how those things hit you. Highly influenced by the devil throughout the day. The risk, the scare, all of it pushed ahead. Seemed so good. Was so good. New and fresh. Combined with old and familiar. Rush of future predicaments. Push form old troubles. Realizing the small things in life and how everything we obsess about now won't matter in a few years. The touch, the feel. The things we feel inside of us are what we remember. The ones that touch us deeply and make us smile so innocently and make us blush. The ones that we want to talk to the world about. The ones that make us giddy and the ones that make us sad. The ones that tickle our fancy and the ones that make us so mad. But even in our hours of desperation we still remember those innocent times in the sun. With the heat and the rush. The devil on our backs and angels in our eyes. The moments in life that make everything okay. Those are the moments that are coming to us. The ones we want to remember forever. Perhaps forever it shall be,but a forever we won't recognize until we're old and gray. The forever of being young and reckless. Of being silly and true to ourselves. Of realizing who matters and who doesn't. The moments we want to remember and the ones we create are what will keep us young. Not our age but the heat we feel from both the world and the people we're with. Those are our moments. Those are our memories.

Finished exams!

So i finished exams!!! granted my enthusiasm is highly over done considering they're only mocks. but that feeling of being done and the relief is brilliant, apart of course from my swollen hand that still aches while i'm typing because apparently that happens after being in two exams for a set of 6 hours and writing on 8 pages for one and like 12 for the other. Buuut it's still a nice feeling. Sitting on my bed writing this its so comfortable. last time i was here on my computer i was cramming for biology whilst also not studying at all and simple downloading shit loads of music illegally (sorry to any of you government people if you're reading this). I love the comfyness of my bed. It's like sinking into a really big pillow at night that just kinda eats you whole and sucks you into whatever dream you're expected to have that night. Giving you that little head start as your head hits the pillow. The spinning thing that people talk about getting, i don't. I shake. like side to side i feel like my head is actually moving and kinda wobbling. I'm a wobbler i guess, not a spinner, though you gotta admit wobbling is a lot of fun haha. the wobbling kinda leads into that other world. the one we rarely talk about cuz its entirely ours. its cool :). But yeah so i haven't been on here in a while, my apologies. I've lost my inspiration lately. Not sure why. Just kinda happened. Oh well. It will get better (my little constant reminder) So as most of my year now know thanks to certain people :) I had an interesting saturday night. Fiew things happened over a bottle of wine, some beer and god knows what else. But it was fun. The first time in a while i hadn't really cared. I was free fallin (sorry listening to Jack Johnson). It was nice and fun and just letting go of the world.
I'm getting new curtains. painting my room. Redoing things in my life. Don't know why now since i wont be here for long (hopefully). But I am.
Starting a new book. Got bored of my old one. Reading "Brief interviews with Hideous men" by David Foster Wallace. Should be good. Need something new.
Been going acoustic lately. Not sure why. I'm over the metal and all that, just going back to the basics of the small tune and the big words. Well I think this is it. Sorry for spelling mistakes etc. Its the little things. :)

conflict of interests

Choose one.
Mind splurts it out, indecisive is my only vice.
Pick one.
Can't choose, too difficult.
Decide.
Conflict of interests.
Tear.
Split in two, going one way, going another.
Tied.
Tied down like a prisoner in an electric chair.
Imminent.
Result of my decision is clear, for either way.
Do it.
No choice has been made. . . but a choice should be made.
Indecisive.
My indecisiveness is annoying, pestering me constantly.
Choosing.
selecting one over another, for another, with another.
Can't choose.
Can't even do it without that. Without them. No choice.

Belief.

Scientists say that if your mind believes something strongly enough, that your body begins to believe that that is actually happening. If you were to believe so strongly that your arm was on fire, then your mind would tell your body, and your body could actually feel pain in your arm and your arm could go red as if it were burning. When we doubt ourselves and say, "Oh no I'm going to drop this plate" then we are more likely to drop the plate than if we were to think that we weren't. Coaches tell their players, "Imagine yourself making the touchdown" or "Making the basket", so that the players make the shot because they believe in themselves so strongly. However, why can we not put this kind of belief into ourselves and into our everyday thinking's? Why do we not believe in ourselves so strongly that we can make anything happen? I once was told that I can do anything i want to, anything at all if I tried hard enough. I believed this for the longest time, however, up until recently, that saying has begun to fade. I don't believe as strongly in myself, I don't believe as strongly in what I do. But I have no reason not to. As we get older and we face new challenges such as, "What college" and "What am I going to do with my life?" we begin to doubt ourselves and our capabilities so much, that we fear our future and we fear our lives beyond the exact moment that we are living in. We want things to just work out, and we want things to go as if everything is going to be OK because that is what we have been taught, but when faced with our own choices and our own fears about the future that no one but ourselves can sort out, we loose that confidence and that belief. But why can we not believe in ourselves and in our own burning passion for the future and its mysteries, as our mind would do about a fictional burn? Why can we not believe in our talents, as strongly as others believe in us?

salvation

Look through the window to see the sky.
Blinding lights, blinding eyes, blinding mind.
I reach out. Air swifts through my fingers with nothing at the end.
Heart pounds. Speeds. Races. Leaps from my chest.
Heartless, Cold, Unfeeling.
Smoke fills the room and stings my eyes.
Hazy, blurry, blinding.
Up and down, up and down, up and down.
The movement numbs my breaths.
Congested behind my eyes. Pressure building but no release.
Shot one.
Heart races.
Shot two.
World is silent in anticipation.
Shot three.
Words build in my chest and flow from my lips.
Silence.
Feathers in my stomach tingle around.
Drums in my chest leave me restless.
Cars speed through my mind with raceways never ending.
Peace is imminent.
Imminence is dead.