One week left until school. Got my grades back from my final. As my father puts it. "She did surprisingly well." I love how he can say that in a proud voice. That my grades are surprising. Just because i'm miserable with my life, does not mean I'm not trying to succeed. I want to do well. I really do. It's hard. It's hard with him constantly calling me a failure, saying I won't do anything with my life. It's hard to keep trying when you don't want to. When it doesn't seem worth it. When you're so miserable with your life and so unhappy all the time but you still must get through work. He pushes me to do things i don't want to. To be someone else. He continues to talk to me after he knows i want nothing to do with him. He continues to exist. Cease, please. But enough of my daddy issues. Back to life here.
Haven't left the house in about 2 days ever since my family left. (brother, sister, brothers gf). Don't feel like doing anything or seeing anyone. Just want to leave everything and go off on my own. Explore the world and make sometihng of myself. Help someone. Do something meaningful. That to me is what life is about. Doing something that makes someone else's life better. I want to join the peace corp. one day but that requires 3 years of college and after doing 3 years of college i'll be pushed into doing something else. It's a silly thing to want something. When you want, there' a possibility of being disappointed. Too much disappointment.
I've been living in my leather jacket. My confined, safe, and tough exterior. I'm saving up for June. realized the other day that its about $3,000 to go back to the states. Only saved up about $200 so far. Parents haven't gotten me my social security number yet so i can't get a job. My parents know how badly i need to go back, even for a visit and with my "dads" air points he could get me a free trip. But instead, he wants to give pointless trips to my brother and sister who don't really wanna go anywhere. Lucky me.
The song that fills my head day after day is "Heard the world" by O.A.R. It's inspiring and depressing. Got a lot into The White Mice recently as well. Can't share that with the person who's responsible because he won't talk to me. I've lost two of my friends this week. One to my honesty and one to drama with a girl. Possessive. I miss them. They understood me.